'I' can't make us happy… only 'we' can do that

COUPLES who use words such as "we" and "us" to refer to themselves are more likely to survive turbulent times than those who speak of themselves as individuals.

While Bridget Jones famously bemoaned the "smug marrieds" – loved-up couples whose closeness emphasised her single status – researchers said those who used terms such as "our" and "us" were more likely to stay together and resolve difficulties quicker.

Psychologists analysed 154 middle-aged and older married couples talking about disagreements. The conversations between those who used the "we" words went more smoothly and were less physically stressful on both sides.

The "I" couples were shown to be less satisfied with each other, according to the study published in the science journal Psychology and Ageing.

The study linked the first person pronouns to unhappy marriages, particularly in older couples.

Moreover, the study found that older couples identified more as "we" than did their middle-aged counterparts, suggesting that facing obstacles and overcoming challenges together over the long haul, including raising families, may give couples a greater sense of shared identity.

The study's co-author, Professor Robert Levenson, from the at the University of California, said: "Individuality is a deeply ingrained value in society, but, at least in the realm of marriage, being part of a 'we' is well worth giving up a bit of 'me'."

Previous studies have established that the use of "we-ness" or "separateness" language is a strong indicator of marital satisfaction in younger couples.

These latest findings, however, take this several steps further by showing how powerful this correlation is in more established couples, linking it to the emotions and physiological responses that occur when spouses either team up or become polarised in the face of disagreements, researchers said.

Professor John Corbett, expert in applied language at the University of Glasgow, said: "If you use the pronoun 'I' a lot you signal you are thinking about yourself as an individual while 'we' is about a group. Language is also about persuasiveness and is how we construct and sustain relationships.

"However, there is also a danger of stereotyping young people who are using the term 'I'. It could just be that there is no great reason for the transition from 'I' to 'we' and that as couples get older and have been together for some time they may start using the expression 'we' quite naturally."