Simon Pia's Diary

Labour's lawyer outgunned

YOU may have noticed in The Scotsman last week that Stuart Usher has had his shotgun licence revoked, preventing him from sauntering up to Edinburgh and "nailing a few lawyers". But we can report that his comrades in Scotland Against Crooked Lawyers did manage to nail one last week.

The Justice 1 Committee of the Scottish Parliament ignored the SACL campaign against self-regulation, but the outcome of Langstane Ward by-election in Aberdeen last Thursday may give them room for thought.

Hearing Labour was putting forward a lawyer as its candidate, SACL’s Aberdeen branch members were soon out canvassing against voting for a lawyer. On the day of the election, reinforcements arrived from SACL members in the Borders, Edinburgh, Glasgow and Fife. Even with the moral support provided by a Labour (lawyer) MP, the prospective Labour candidate, an early favourite for the seat, could do no better than come in third.

"This will send warning signals to all the mainstream parties who are thinking of putting up lawyers as candidates for the Scottish Parliament in next May’s election," Billy Burns, of SACL, tells us. Be afraid, be very afraid.

WHICH bring us to the "charitable solicitors" Menzies Dougal and our Magnum Opus. The Champagne prize for an "oxymoronic" limerick goes to Mrs Anne Robertson, of Blairgowrie. The Menzies Dougal charity concert for Maggie Cancer Care is on Thursday at the Queen’s Hall, Edinburgh.

Oven is burning issue

WHAT would we do without the WRVS?

As fire ripped through the Old Town at the weekend, the WRVS ladies excelled themselves at the emergency services centre in the University of Edinburgh’s Works Department in Infirmary Street.

The tea urn was steaming away in no time, with bacon butties coming down the line. But a bigwig from the university visiting yesterday made the mistake of asking: "How are you settling in, ladies?"

"Settling in? Look, laddie, you keep a dirty kitchen. We’ve never seen such a clartie oven."

Needless to say, oven and kitchen are now both sparkling.

Meanwhile, our women at the university tell us the fire brigade did a great job saving Adam House. It won’t get them their 40 per cent, but somebody does appreciate them.

Meanwhile, gutted about his garret is artist Louis Sinclair McNally.

The promising young artist, whose unique vision of Edinburgh has a touch of Edward Hopper and a wee bit Vermeer (you read it here first), has lost everything at his studio in the Cowgate. Glenn Ross, of Colours Gallery, has given him a new easel, but he’s looking for space. He could always come round and do the Diary’s kitchen …

Archbishop O'Brien and the case of the missing apple

APOLOGIES to Archbishop Keith O’Brien. We got our moderators in a muddle. He did not banjo the Moderator of the Kirk’s General Assembly with the ceremonial truncheon: it was Dick Allan, Moderator of the High Constables of Edinburgh. But our tale about His Grace sharing his bottle with Dr Finlay Macdonald up on the roof of the Overseas Club is kosher.

And there are more tales of al fresco high jinks involving the Archbishop. As a young seminarian, he worked during his holidays on Nunraw Abbey in East Lothian. The young Keith Patrick was "apprenticed" to stonemason Willie Tear as a labourer. A well-kent character in the county, Willie was a good socialist, Presbyterian and mason who called a spade a shovel.

One day, Willie opened his lunch box. "Some bastard’s stolen ma’ aipple." He looked over the wall and there was the young O’Brien munching away. When he got home, he said to his wife: "De ye ken what that wee bastard did? He stole ma’ aipple."

Mrs Tear said nowt. Next morning, she made up his lunchbox as usual, and Willie kept a keen eye on it till lunchtime. When he opened it, there were two apples inside.