Helen Weston on Educating Rita Syndrome

THIS covers the many couples I have worked with where one partner goes back to college, gets themselves an education and outgrows the other. In my experience, if it's a heterosexual relationship, it's usually the woman, but that is not always the case.

Relationships are all about 'couple fit', so a shift in the balance of power can make any relationship radically unstable. It all depends on how rigid the roles are and how much room for manoeuvre there is. If both partners are up for it, couple counselling can really help. n

Happy days

We used to have a great social life, meeting friends at the pub every Friday night, but my partner won't go anymore. She stays in reading for the book group she's started going to. I've tried making her come, but then she refuses to talk. We used to be so happy.

I think you have to accept she's changed and wants something else out of life. You don't say how old you are, but maybe she's bored and wants something to stretch her a bit. It could be her job. It could be your relationship. When did you last talk about what you want from your life together? You may be a couple but you are also individuals with different needs and interests. Find out what she is looking for when she stays at home with her books and you are well on the way to finding your answer, but it may mean a change in your life too, so beware.

Legal wrangle

My husband and I used to talk all the time but now he ignores me. I'm training to be a legal executive and am really excited, but every time I try to talk to him about it he turns the telly up. I have always supported him in his work. It doesn't seem fair.

There could be lots of reasons for your husband's behaviour. He could be jealous. He could feel excluded by your new friends and new interests. He could be repeating an old pattern from childhood - perhaps where he was overtaken by a clever young brother or sister. How old does he feel to you when he turns up the TV? It could be a clue to where the behaviour stems from. Whatever the cause, you need to find a time when the TV is off, to explore how he is feeling and the impact it is having on you.

Changing times

Andrew and I have been together for five years. Our families are very different. His have all been to university and mine worked on the railways. When we first got together we got on so well. Now it's all changed. He makes cruel remarks about the way I speak and the fact that I don't read books like he does. What have I done?

It sounds as if you haven't changed but he has. You need to know if something has sparked this off. Has anything happened at work? Has he been seeing more of his family? If nothing particular has happened, it could be that the first infatuation is over and he has woken up to the fact that you are two very different people. This is the crunch point in any relationship: does he love you for yourself or just his idealised image of you? He may be distancing himself from you and making these comments because he is fighting an inner battle between the values he was brought up with and the life he's chosen with you. The question is do you love him enough to wait, even if the answer could be in the negative?

Helen Weston is head of professional practice with Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)

This article was first published in Scotland On Sunday, 19 September, 2010