London 2012 Olympics: Best and worst of the national kits

With designers of Olympic team kits this year including Armani and Prada (Italy), Salvatore Ferragamo (Republic of San Marino), Hermes (France), Ralph Lauren (USA) and, of course, Stella McCartney for Team GB, tonight’s opening ceremony will be akin to a runway show.

There have already been kit-related gaffes, with the Egyptian team having to buy their own, after they were supplied with counterfeit Nike gear – the kit bags apparently had Nike logos and Adidas zips – and the Indian hockey team reportedly worried about embarrassing themselves on the field given that their shorts have already ripped, while their archers are apparently having trouble gripping their bows thanks to over-long sleeves.

And sadly the fashion crimes against sport (and national pride) don’t stop there.

Five worst:

Great Britain

Stella McCartney’s Team GB kit has come under criticism for not including enough red, but that’s the least of its worries. We’d start with the Union Jack-inspired band across the waist of the sprint suits that looks more like the X Factor logo. Clean and simple, it’s also completely underwhelming, especially considering the hype it has received. There is nothing here marking these out as McCartney’s designs, when hiring her for the job could have been a great opportunity to do something bold, modern and unexpected. Instead, the kit is the very definition of safe and generic and thus completely unmemorable, and could have been designed by anyone. Just to top it all off, unfathomably popular high street brand Next have designed the team’s formal wear, meaning our athletes will be marching into the stadium tonight looking like they’re on their way to their first job interview/court appearance. Go team!

Jamaica

It could be worse for Team GB: they could be showing up in lycra emblazoned with Paul McCartney’s face. Cedella Marley, daughter of Bob and designer of the Jamaican team kit, made frenzied use of her father’s image. Bob Marley’s face is on the sleeves of the jackets (which are of the military style he famously wore) and splashed across the front of t-shirts, while the short-sleeved shirts (never a good idea) for the opening ceremony are named the Buffalo Soldier Shirt and have the words Positive Vibrations stitched on to the collars. This overkill comes off more tacky gimmick than moving gesture. Throw in track tops featuring shadowy and somewhat sinister athlete’s faces and the humiliation is complete. Marley’s over-reliance on her own legacy will be at the expense of the team’s - the one essential in an Olympic kit is that it should be timeless, given that it will be seen for decades to come in photos, especially when you have Usain Bolt wearing it, and this kit is best forgotten.

Spain

All at once evoking Ronald McDonald, a Benidorm budget holiday rep and a souvenir flamenco doll, the Spanish kit is so surreally horrendous it almost goes full circle and comes back round to awesome. Almost. It’s sad to have to resort to clichés in criticism of the kit but hey, Russian company Bosco Sport did when they were designing it. For a country with such sporting prowess, not to mention a perfectly acceptable luxury goods brand in the form of Loewe and world-conquering high street chains Zara and Mango, this adds insult to embarrassment. The Spanish athletes are clearly in agreement, with some having already tweeted their horror upon seeing their kit.

Russia

Bosco Sport strikes again, with this frighteningly intense yet strangely hypnotic design of psychedelic red and white swirls for the Russian team. Proving once more that they have no fear of the cultural stereotype, they’ve gone for a look best described as ‘Soviet-era carpet’. Don’t be surprised if the kit ends up under a doping ban for being a mind-altering substance.

Italy

Included by virtue of being the biggest disappointment is the Italian kit designed by Giorgio Armani. Bereft of the red and green that make the Italian flag so cheery, the entire kit is monochrome, and while being completely inoffensive and cut in expensive-looking fabrics, it also feels very lazy in design, surely the last attribute with which you want to bestow and athletic uniform. Italy’s sartorial saving grace will be its sailing team, for whom Prada have done a much better job, with skinny-cut white trousers, cycling-style caps and chic jackets in the fresh azure blue that would have benefited Armani’s designs.

Five best:

USA

Ralph Lauren’s signature style has always been about looking healthy and wealthy, making it the perfect fit for the athletes of Team USA, and like the star of the track team at the Ivy League college Ralph seems to be under the impression we all attend, the look is as irresistible as it is obnoxious. Lochte and co will be strolling into the stadium tonight looking like they’ve wandered off the set of the Great Gatsby (for which Lauren has designed the costumes), in pin-striped white trousers; exquisitely clean-cut navy blazers; berets (Freedom hats?); cricket jumpers (bit odd, but in Lauren’s head presumably everyone in the UK dresses like they’re at Eton); crisp white shirt dresses and white saddle shoes, collars popped and ponies on display all round. The look is often dismissed as country club, and that is an easy association to make, but its execution here is actually incredibly slick and urbane, with a simultaneous touch of 1940s retro and utopian simplicity all at once.

Brazil

The Brazilian kit is what the Jamaican kit should have been; zesty, vibrant and inspiring of optimism. As stylish and simply executed as Nike-designed kits always are, people will actually buy this (to wear to the pub, no matter what they told the incredibly good-looking Niketown employee who sold them it). Both the shapes and graphics are bold, and the end result is iconic, while unexpected touches like the flashes of fluoro pink on the footballers’ boots keep it fresh and happy.

Netherlands

Who knew the Netherlands were the Kanye Wests of the sporting world? The athletic kit is nothing to write home about (various shapes of t-shirts in eye-watering orange) but the formal attire is an extravaganza of swag; all sharp trench coats, navy blazers with white piping, chambray shirts, knitted ties featuring horizontal stripes, and white jeans, and the styling is straight out of Shoreditch (spiritual home of the brogue and the black rims), so they’ll be well-placed to make friends with the cool kids in East London, home of the athlete’s village and most of the venues.

New Zealand

When people already think you’re 50 years behind the rest of the western world you may as well give ‘em what they want, which is exactly what the New Zealand team will be doing in their librarian-inspired kit. The look – twee Orla Kiely-esque print dresses in demure shapes, school blazers, and grey trousers of the sort your granddad might wear to church - is incredibly endearing in its refusal to attempt any kind of aggressive, in-it-to-win-it statement. The muted colours and geriatric styling are thus the perfect expression of true sportsmanship. They’re probably not going home with many medals, but they’ll have a super time, and they’re ok with that.

France

Quelle surprise, the French kit is heartbreakingly, awe-inspiringly gorgeous, without even trying. It’s effortlessly iconic, with the Adidas three stripes rendered in tricolore running across expanses of clean, crisp white, allowing the flag to whisper throatily for itself. The classic retro Adidas shapes are all there – loose fit track pants, zip-up tops and v-neck tees, plus a beautiful boat-necked design, and we’d buy every piece. Fresh, flattering and utterly covetable, the collection is called Frenchness (because clearly, and in all seriousness, there is no higher attribute). The icing on the éclair is that Hermes have designed the equestrian team uniform, using French navy for the blazers. Swoon.