How Scottish are you? A new book invites you to test your suitability for residency

A book to be published this week, The Scottish Nationality Test: How Scottish Are You? by Cameron McPhail, uses knowledge of the velocity of jam sandwiches, the philosophical musings of Chic Murray and whether Alex Ferguson is Scotland’s most successful export, to ascertain an answer.

Eschewing the lead of questions found in the British Citizenship test on subjects like the percentage of Brits who attend religious services and how many days a year schools are open, McPhail’s book instead opts for interrogation on matters including appropriate terms for beautiful women going out with ginger-bearded men, and whether filter tips are the most important medical breakthrough in national history.

The book is based on the premise that the advent of global warming will render Scotland a highly desirable place to live, and the inevitable unsustainable influx of migrants competing for citizenship will necessitate some sort of filter. This is where the Nationality Test will come in. Although it is noted that priority will be given to dentists, footballers, numerate bankers and glamour models.

Categories include Scottish Medicine, in which readers are asked whether Sir Alexander Fleming, discoverer of penicillin, is best remembered in his homeland for:

• Being the father of modern medicine

• Saving thousands of wounded soldiers in World War II

• Curing that awkward and difficult-to-explain rash

And under the heading of Politics and International Relations: Under the Geneva Convention which of the following longstanding Scottish traditions are now considered to be torture?

• Strip the Willow

• Burns Night

• Glen Michael’s Cavalcade

• World Cup Qualification

A question in the Philosophy and Religion section asks, if you were unable to push your grandmother off a bus, then it follows that she must be:

• Your father’s mother

• Your mother’s mother

While the Applied Mathematics section poses problems such as:

Muzza and Jaffa stole a 2007 green Toyota 1600GL with a mileage of 35,000 and they were paid £1000 for the car by Banjo. How much more would they have received from Banjo if the car had been a 2008 registration in metallic silver, had only done 19,000 miles and had four new low-profile tyres?

The Scottish Nationality Test: How Scottish Are You? By Cameron McPhail is published on 14 June by Black & White Publishing, £5.99

How did you do on these questions? And what would you include as a barometer of Scottish nationality? Tell us on Twitter or Facebook.