Edinburgh Fringe: 106 of the best ever jokes and one-liners

The 2018 Edinburgh Fringe Festival is coming to a close for another year.

But fear not, for those still looking for laughs, we’ve put together the ultimate list of Fringe jokes and one-liners from recent years.

*Warning: contains some adult material*

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“Working at the JobCentre has to be a tense job – knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.” Adam Rowe (2018)

Edinburgh's Fringe Festival has kicked off in the Capital. Picture: Lisa Ferguson
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“I had a job drilling holes for water – it was well boring.” Leo Kearse (2018)

“I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed.” Olaf Falafel (2018)

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The 10 best jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe 2018

“In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me.” Daniel Audritt (2018)

“What do colourblind people do when they are told to eat their greens?” Flo and Joan (2018)

I’ve got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it’s not easy. They keep moving the goalposts. Darren Walsh (2018)

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“One in four frogs is a leap frog.” Chris Turner (2016)

“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably s**t.” Stephen K. Amos (2014)

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“I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.”Alfie Moore (2013)

“My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs.” Rhys James (2016)

“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” Phil Wang (2015)

“My husband’s penis is like a semi colon. I can’t remember what it’s for and I never use it anyway.” Mary Bourke (2012)

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“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” Tim Vine (2011)

“I have downloaded this new app. Its great, it tells you what to wear, what to eat and if you’ve put on weight. Its called the Daily Mail.” Hayley Ellis (2016)

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“When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.” Yianni (2015)

“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” Matt Kirshen (2011)

“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” Tom Ward (2015)

“I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never… lure them into my car. No, I’m kidding… I don’t have a licence.” Felicity Ward (2012)

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“I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.” Hayley Ellis (2012)

“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask.” Jordan Brookes (2016)

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“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” Will Marsh (2012) “I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” Sara Pascoe (2014)

“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” Rob Beckett (2012)

“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.” Alex Horne (2014)

“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” Joe Lycett (2014)

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“I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.” Jordan Brookes (2016)

“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” Sara Pascoe (2014)

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“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” Mark Watson (2014)

“I really wish ISIS would stop playing violent video games and listening to Marilyn Manson.” Eric Lampaert (2016)

“There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.” Nish Kumar (2014)

“How do people make new mates? Asking for a friend.” Steve Bugeja (2016)

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“I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.” Ria Lina (2014)

“One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say… ‘Ah well, you only live once.” Hardeep Singh Kohli (2014)

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“My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.” Nick Hall (2015)

“I’ve decided to stop masturbating, since then I’ve not really felt myself.” Tom Toal (2015)

“I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.” Jonny Lennard (2014)

“My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.” Joe Bor (2014)

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“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” Alun Cochrane (2015)

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” Gary Delaney (2010)

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“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” Paul F Taylor (2014)

“My father was never sexist, he beat my brothers and I equally.” Njambi McGrath (2016)

“The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk to a woman?” Stephen Brown (2008)

“If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.” Joel Dommett (2014)

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“I can’t exercise for long periods. When I get back from a run my girlfriend usually asks if I’ve forgotten something.” Pete Otway (2016)

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” Stewart Francis (2012)

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“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” Iain Stirling (2014)

“Today… I did seven press ups: not in a row.” Daniel Kitson (2012)

“Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees; apparently she stood him up!” Jim Sealey (2014)

“People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times.” Kai Humphries (2014)

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“My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’.” Paul McCaffrey (2014)

“Golf is not just a good walk ruined, it’s also the act of hitting things violently with a stick ruined.” John Luke-Roberts (2016)

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“Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of Angry Birds. Bad example.” Bridget Christie (2014)

“I love languages. The way nationalities have different takes on the same thing. Like the way an Irish person or a Scottish person would say that the band Snow Patrol are boring but an Eskimo has a hundred words for how crap Snow Patrol are.” Neil Hickey (2013)

“Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired.” Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop (2014)

“‘I think jokes about learning difficulties are OK so long as they’re clever’ is like saying ‘I think jokes about blind people are OK so long as they’re visual’” Brendon Burns (2013)

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“I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times.” Felicity Ward (2016)

“I’m single. By choice. Her choice. No it was a mutual thing. We came to the mutual agreement that she would marry her ex boyfriend.” – Brett Goldstein (2013)

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“My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.” Sarah Millican (2011)

“Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.” Tom Parry (2015)

“It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road.” Olaf Falafel (2016)

“I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.” Paddy Lennox (2009)

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“The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’” Andrew Bird (2008)

“I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” Jack Whitehall (2009)

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“Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It’s all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick” Andrew Lawrence (2008)

“Doctor, doctor! Sorry mate. It’s a Saturday.” Dominic Frisby (2016)

“Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him” Carey Marx (2008)

“Miley Cyrus. You know when she was born? 1992. I’ve got condiments in my cupboard older than that.” Lucy Beaumont (2014)

“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed” Josie Long (2008)

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“My friend said she was giving up drinking from Monday to Friday. I’m just worried she’s going to dehydrate” Kerri Godliman (2008)

“I have the woman-flu. Which is like the manflu but worse because I also regularly have periods and I get paid less.” Sofie Hagen (2016)

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“Kim Kardashian tried to break the internet. She didn’t succeed but she did leave a large visible crack.” Al Porter (2016) “I like Jesus but he loves me, so it’s awkward.” Tom Stade (2008)

“My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first” Alex Horne (2008)

“I think if you were hardcore anti-feminism, surely you wouldn’t call yourself ‘anti-feminism’ would you? You’d call yourself ‘Uncle Feminism’.” Jenny Collier (2016)

“My mate is called Liam, but we call him ‘Two Legs Liam’. The reason for that is because he only has one arm.” Andrew Ryan (2016)

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“I am writing a film script about going back in time to stop Hitler’s parents meeting at the Austrian Enchantment ‘Under The Sea’ dance. It’s called ‘Back to the Fuhrer’!” Des Bishop (2016)

“My Mum was always saying that thing parents say growing up ‘Wait until your dad gets home’. ‘Wait until your dad gets home, we’ll have a chat introduce you and see if he’ll start paying maintenance’” Hayley Ellis (2016)

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“‘Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.’ ‘Was it something I said?’ asks the son. ‘Yes.’” Damien Slash (2015)

“I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.” Rob Auton (2013)

“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” Nick Helm (2011)

“Crash Investigations is my favourite TV show, I’ve seen every episode. Here’s a tip for the new viewers: if the show starts with the pilots being interviewed… it will be a boring episode.” Nick Cody (2015)

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“I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket.” Stuart Laws (2016)

“Drug use gets an unfair reputation considering all the beautiful things in life it has given us like rock ‘n’ roll and sporting achievement.” Jason John Whitehead (2016)

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“I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password.” Rory O’Keeffe (2016)

“I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that.” Rory O’Keeffe (2016)

“I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day.” Aatif Nawaz (2016)

“People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” Abi Roberts (2016)

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“I think children are like Marmite. You either love them or you keep them at the back of the cupboard next to the piccalilli.” Abi Roberts (2016)

“You just know Chilcot was up until 4am, downing Red Bulls and trying to crank out the last 800,000 words.” Alex Kealy (2016)

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“Yo Mamma’s so fat… that other people have to pay for the health consequences of this via general taxation, even though it’s her responsibility.” Dominic Frisby (2016)

“Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara.” Olaf Falafel (2016)

“A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy.” Chris Turner (2016)

“I bumped into my French teacher the other day who asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.” Adam Hess (2016)

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“My cat is recovering from a massive stroke.” Darren Walsh (2015)

“My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17 year old defendant, who hasn’t been named’.” Jenny Collier (2016)

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“I’ve always considered myself more of a lover than a fighter. Which has confused a lot of guys that have tried to start fights with me. They’ll raise their fists, I’ll whip my knob out.” Mark Nelson (2015)

“I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles, she said ‘hardback?’ and I was like, ‘yeah and little heads” Mark Simmons (2015)

“I learned about method acting at drama school, when all my classmates stayed in character as posh, patronising twats for the entire three years I was there.” Bridget Christie (2015)

“My ex-girlfriend would always ask me to text her when I got in. That’s how small my penis is.” Rhys James (2015) “I’m a comedian with irritable bowel syndrome… It’s s**ts and giggles.” Laura Lexx (2015)

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“Maybe Hitler wouldn’t have been so grumpy if people hadn’t left him hanging for high fives all the time.” Rhys James (2015)

“Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open.” Paul F. Taylor (2016)

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“If you don’t know what Morris dancing is, imagine eight guys from the KKK got lost, ended up at gay pride and just tried to style it out.” Fin Taylor (2016)

“Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?” Dan Antolpolski (2009)

“I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning ‘Are we then yet?’” Paul F. Taylor (2016)

“If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” Ian Smith (2015) “Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas.” Robert Garnham (2017)

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“Centaurs shop at Topman. And Bottomhorse.” Dan Antopolski (2017)

“Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.” Paul Savage (2017)

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“I’m very conflicted by eye tests. I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses.” Caroline Mabey (2017)

“Relationships are like mobile phones. You’ll look at your iPhone 5 and think, it used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on.” Athena Kugblenu (2017)

Parts of this article were first featured on our sister site the i.