Edinburgh Festival jokes: 75 killer one-liners from the Fringe

It may be into the final week, but there's still plenty of laughs to be had at the Fringe The comedians are still out there doling out one-liners and splitting sides until Sunday '“ and if you're looking for a little inspiration of who to check out, we've got you covered.

Felicity Ward

Chris Turner

“1 in 4 frogs is a leap frog.”

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“A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy.”

Matt Winning

“My friend’s called Isabella Bell. Great name; tough question.”

Adam Hess

“I bumped into my French teacher the other day who asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother”

“Yesterday I had sushi for lunch but nobody saw so it was a complete waste of money”

Comedian Adam Hess

“I’m surprised more people don’t try to break into Buckingham Palace seeing as the one thing we know about the guards there is they don’t respond to anything”

Rhys James

“My grandma always says it was ‘better in her day’. That’s a bit rude. Bragging about a time I’ll never experience. I don’t visit her and say ‘the future is going to be amazing’

“My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs.”

Njambi McGrath

Eric Lampaert

“I really wish ISIS would stop playing violent video games and listening to Marilyn Manson.”

Naz Osmanoglu

“I’m 19th in line to the Turkish Throne. But unofficially. A title without any of the glamour. It’s like working in MI6, but in catering.”

Matt Winning

“I’m trying to be honest this Fringe. Especially honest with myself, but as a career egocentric, I can only do that with a crowd of people watching.”

Will Duggan “I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few too many to drink so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote “The Beatles, or Steven Gerrard” for every answer…came second.”

Ed Gamble “I saw a recipe for guilt free pizza. The only reason you should ever feel guilty after having a pizza is if you’ve killed the delivery boy.” “Everyone who owns a unicycle is a lazy dropout. They’ve even given up halfway through buying a bicycle”

Jordan Brookes “Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask.” “I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.”

Steve Bugeja “How do people make new mates? Asking for a friend.” “Given how much we all enjoy looking at our friends passport photos I can’t understand why border agency staff are so miserable.” “Am I spelling ‘boyfriend’ right? My girlfriend keeps spelling it with an ex.”

Loyiso Gola “There needs to be peace in the Middle East because Jewish people and Muslim people have in common than they realise. For instance they both don’t eat pork, which got me thinking maybe there is something in pork that calms you down.”

Comedian Adam Hess

Matt Winning “The worst part about Brexit is that I’ve had the theme tune to Byker Grove in my head but singing the words Michael Gove.” “I find arguments are a lot like busses. You mostly get into them at bus stops.” “My girlfriend bought me a star. GBR346428. I think it’s named after the person who discovered it’s WiFi connection.”

Pete Otway “When I Facetime someone I spend 90% of the time looking at my own face and the other 10% watching someone look at theirs.” “I can’t exercise for long periods. When I get back from a run my girlfriend usually asks if I’ve forgotten something.”

Colin Hoult / Anna Mann “Dad was incredibly creative. He played the violin like no one else. He played it like a flute, sounded terrible.”

John-Luke Roberts “It’s sometimes OK to use kitchen paper as a back up to loo paper. It’s never OK to use the kitchen as a back up to the loo.” “Golf is not just a good walk ruined, it’s also the act of hitting things violently with a stick ruined.”

Adam Rowe “I’m sick of seeing weight loss posters and memes saying things like ‘I don’t stop when I’m tired, I stop when I’m done!’ The only time I feel like that is when I’m in a Chinese buffet.” “To give you an idea of the way my Dad thinks, we were watching a documentary about Arthur Shawcross, a serial killer who got sentenced to over 400 years in prison. He turned to me and said: ‘These days, he’d only do half of that.’”

Felicity Ward “I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times.” “It’s easy to give up on swimming. That’s how diving became a sport.” “I’m afraid of walking past construction sites for a couple of reasons. One, that I’ll get cat-called or worse, ignored completely.”

Jamali Maddix “My family used to be poor and then made money and think they’re middle class, but they still have the enjoyment of poor people. Like my uncle brought a king-size bed and they spoke about it for a year”

Njambi McGrath “My father was never sexist, he beat my brothers and I equally.”

Rory O’Hanlon “I’m too white for the beach. Seagulls think I’m bread.” “I’m really looking forward to the Edinburgh Fringe. I love gigging outside Europe.” “I look so Irish, St Patrick looks at me and goes ‘take it down a notch mate’” “My mother can’t believe I’m not married. Now that same sex marriage is legal in Ireland she says I’ve no excuse.”

Sofie Hagen “For a few days every month, I get very over-emotional for no reason. So I know what it’s like being a man who’s into sports.” “I have the woman-flu. Which is like the manflu but worse because I also regularly have periods and I get paid less.”

Al Porter “Kim Kardashian tried to break the internet. She didn’t succeed but she did leave a large visible crack.”

Jenny Collier “I think if you were hardcore anti-feminism, surely you wouldn’t call yourself ‘anti-feminism’ would you? You’d call yourself ‘Uncle feminism.” “My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17 year old defendant, who hasn’t been named’.”

Andrew Ryan “My mate is called Liam, but we call him ‘Two Legs Liam’. The reason for that is because he only has one arm.”

Des Bishop “I am writing a film script about going back in time to stop Hitler’s parents meeting at the Austrian Enchantment ‘Under The Sea’ dance. It’s called ‘Back to the Fuhrer’!”

Paul F Taylor “I saw a lady spinning two hula hoops around her waist at the same time. I said, ‘You look like a Venn diagram of someone who likes hoop A and Hoop B’.” “I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning ‘Are we THEN yet?’” “Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open.”

Fin Taylor “Sunday morning TV in this country might as well be called ‘White People Eating’” “If you don’t know what Morris dancing is, imagine 8 guys from the KKK got lost, ended up at gay pride and just tried to style it out.”

Hayley Ellis “I have downloaded this new app. Its great, it tells you what to wear, what to eat and if you’ve put on weight. Its called the Daily Mail” “My mum was always saying that thing parents say growing up ‘Wait until your dad gets home’. ‘Wait until your dad gets home, we’ll have a chat introduce you and see if he’ll start paying maintenance’”

Stuart Laws “I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket.”

Jack Barry “I’m confident enough to think that my every move is on TV, like the Truman show, but I’m insecure enough to think that no one is watching it.” “My childhood hero was the coolest guy at my school. His name was Neil. We didn’t know if that was his name, or a command.”

Annie McGrath “I think marriage is for too long- we used to commit our entire lives to one person when we died in our twenties. I think marriage should be for fifteen years- a proper life sentence. Then at the end of it, you get to decide whether or not you’re ready to re-join society.”

Jason John Whitehead “Drug use gets an unfair reputation considering all the beautiful things in life it has given us like rock n roll and sporting achievement” “The Bible belt. Like most belts it’s where we hide our shame.”

Jinx Yeo “People take wedding photos for the same reason they take pictures of their food: they want to capture the moment before everything turns into crap.”

Rory O’Keeffe “I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password.” “I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that.”

John Robertson “I took a prostate exam at home. Pretty sure I failed, I lost my pen.”

Aatif Nawaz “I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day.” “They say there’s no diversity in the media, but I get offered diverse film roles all the time. Just today, I was offered Terrorist number 3. The day before I was offered Terrorist number 10. There are at least 7 differences.”

Abi Roberts “People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” “I think children are like Marmite. You either love them or you keep them at the back of the cupboard next to the piccalilli.”

Alex Kealy “You just know Chilcot was up until 4am, downing Red Bulls and trying to crank out the last 800,000 words.”

Dominic Frisby “Yo Mamma’s so fat… that other people have to pay for the health consequences of this via general taxation, even though it’s her responsibility.” “Doctor, doctor! Sorry mate. It’s a Saturday.”

Laura Lexx “Being in love is like central heating… you turn it on before guests come over and pretend it’s like this all the time.” “Sometimes people think we don’t really need feminism… I like to remind them that until the 1970s the only way to be a woman in the armed forces was to be a boat.”

Olaf Falafel “It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins & marshmallows – it’s a rocky road.” “Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara.” “How does Mr Miyagi eat his Babybel? Wax on – wax off.”

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Njambi McGrath