40 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners from Scottish comedians

As well as the poetry of Robert Burns and some of the best scenery you could ever hope to see, one of Scotland’s greatest cultural exports is its unique sense of humour

Billy Connolly. (Picture: Shutterstock)
Billy Connolly. (Picture: Shutterstock)

Here are 50 of the funniest jokes from the mouths of Scottish comedians:

“I'm learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But I've got the ins and outs.” – Iain Stirling

“I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning… that can keep me awake for days.” – Billy Connolly

Kevin Bridges. (Picture: TSPL)

“The first time I met my wife I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves” - Alun Cochrane

“It must be pretty surreal being Prince Harry and William on a stag night. Just you and your mates stuffing pictures of your gran into your lap-dancer’s bra.” – Kevin Bridges

“I can’t cook, I can’t clean, and the last time I tried to do soup it ended up in sex, because sex is quicker than soup.” – Janey Godley

“Why on earth do people say things like ‘my eyes aren’t what they used to be.’ So, what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?” - Billy Connolly

Janey Godley. (Picture: TSPL)

“What did the Scottish guy do with the trumpet buried in his garden? He rooted it oot.” – Sanjeev Kohli

“I only hate two things – living things and objects.” – Jerry Sadowitz

“There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter” – Billy Connolly

“Glasgow is a very negative place. If Kanye was born in Glasgow, he would have been called No You Cannae.” – Frankie Boyle

“In Glasgow, ‘how’ means ‘why’? You do not ponder why. You demand HOW?” – Kevin Bridges

“There will be a lot of people watching who will wonder what does a true Scotsman wear under his kilt, and I can tell you a true Scotsman will never tell you what he wears under his kilt. He will show you at the drop of a hat” – Fred MacCaulay

“Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on.” – Billy Connolly

“Edinburgh and Glasgow: same country, very different cities. In Edinburgh, when a gun goes off, it’s one o’clock.” – Kevin Bridges

“Is it really folk dancing?” “Ach yes, folk dancing and enjoying themselves!” – Stanley Baxter

[On Theresa May] “The worst person at controlling a party since Michael Barrymore.” – Frankie Boyle

“I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. ‘Is it Scotch?’, I asked. ‘Why?’ the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?’. ‘In that case, have you got any wild duck?’. ‘No’, he responded, ‘but I’ve got one I could aggravate for you'” – Chic Murray

"I seen a sign that said, "Have you seen this man?" So, I phoned up and I said, "No." – Kevin Bridges

"When people say, 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?” – Billy Connolly

"My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton." – Chic Murray

“If you’re a boy in my town, you have one of three names. You’re called John, Paul, or John Paul.” – Fern Brady

“My wife is always saying to me that we should be more spontaneous. I say: 'Fine! When?'" – Susan Calman

“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” – Frankie Boyle

“I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.” – Billy Connolly

“In Scotland, we call a dog a dug. We take that O and make it a U. It’s a slang term, but it’s also a social implication in that you get dogs, then you get dugs. You get ‘aww, look at that wee dog”, then you get ‘watch that f***ing dug!'” – Kevin Bridges

“My star sign is Pyrex. I was a test tube baby.” – Billy Connolly

“When serving an older Scottish man a tiny thimbleful of soup in a cafe, always double check that he said ‘just a soupçon’ & not ‘just a soup, son'” – Sanjeev Kohli

"Our greatest fear is to die alone, which is why I intend to take quite a few people with me." – Frankie Boyle

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.” – Billy Connolly

"I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were Japanese." – Chic Murray

“My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.” – Susan Murray

“Izat a marra on yer barra, Clara?” – Stanley Baxter

“Sushi is so healthy, even the food is on a treadmill.” – Iain Stirling

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!” – Billy Connolly

"Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common. they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips." – Frankie Boyle

"I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little. " – Billy Connolly

"Kippers - fish that like a lot of sleep." – Chic Murray

“What I love is when homophobes have to make up these fictional, pretend reasons to justify their homophobia, because you can never say the real reason you’re homophobic, which is, ‘I really want to try gay sex.” – Fern Brady

"Give me a quid, or you're getting stabbed." I thought - quite reasonable." – Kevin Bridges

“Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called Countdown?” – Frankie Boyle