Tom English: 'Joy unconfined and allegations of corruption unchallenged'

According to the Interfax agency, the ministry said 40 people were injured when all three of the Tu-154 plane's engines failed on take-off."

The (possible) response from Russian high office: "There were 163 passengers on that plane and only two that we know of have perished. That's a 1.2 per cent fatality rate. Very impressive. A tribute to Russia. What comfort for our people to know than when they eventually find themselves on board one of our rickety airplanes they have a better than reasonable chance of surviving when it plummets to earth. That'll be the story you'll be reporting, Mr Editor. Plane goes down, only two dead. This is your headline, yes?"

In the Press Freedom Index, Russia's media is ranked 140th out of 178 countries.

So in the business of the plane and in the business of the World Cup, you'd need to be careful how you report it if you're a journalist. Different rules apply there. But well done, Russia. You've just won the right to host the World Cup in 2018 and we know we can rely on the government to stamp out any desire the national press might have to explore the allegations of corruption that exist among the executive committee of the body that gave you this great honour, FIFA. What a huge relief all-round. No Muscovite Panoramas, no Russian equivalent of the investigative reporter, Andrew Jennings, no questioning of Jack Warner and chums. Of course, Russia got it on the strength of their bid. The fact that there's a muzzle on their media is entirely coincidental.

In the Press Freedom Index, Qatar is ranked 121st out of 178 countries.

Well done, Qatar. You've just won the right to host the World Cup in 2022 and, like Russia, we know that discretion is your forte. You have a zero-tolerance policy towards criticism of the FIFA family. You won't stand for it. Your place in the freedom index is, of course, incidental to the success of your bid. It was your outstanding infrastructure that did for the Americans in the end. Your stadiums (when they've been taken out of their flat-packs) will be full of soul, your climate (a mere 30 degrees at kick-off time, 3am) will be a joy for all. As long as nobody wants a cheap drink for that month, then it'll be fine. If you're gay and you like a lager, this really isn't the World Cup for you.

Never mind that mantra from Sepp Blatter and his UEFA counterpart, Michel Platini, about the morality of their associations: "Football owes itself to be an example in our societies. Football must teach values - honesty, courage, fraternity, tolerance and peace. Football includes, integrates, and welcomes. It excludes no-one, it discriminates against no-one, it persecutes no one."

Apart from black people. And homosexuals. And, of course, the English.

But hold on, what's this coming out of Germany? Franz Beckenbauer, a member of FIFA's golden circle, is suggesting that the Qatari World Cup be held in January or February. Domestic seasons would have to be turned on their heads, but, hey, it'll be worth it. It's Qatar! "In January or February you have a comfortable 25 degrees there," said the Kaiser. "It would be an alternative to using climate control at great expense for stadiums and fanzones."

Hey, Franz. How about using climate control on your brain. You're over-heating already and we're not scheduled to be fried alive in Qatar for another 12 years. Change the schedule of every league in the world, right? Rip 'em up and start again. Never mind the clubs, never mind the fans, never mind anything and everything, but FIFA. A spring World Cup? What does that mean, then? A Christmas Champions League final? A domestic season coming to a conclusion in the snow and ice of winter? Some might call that an ambitious project. Others might call it the height of stupidity and self-serving arrogance.

Beckenbauer admits now that it was "a mistake to do both 2018 and 2022 on the same day". Not a mistake, Franz. A clever tactic. A piece of Blatter brilliance. Two World Cups up for grabs and, therefore, two opportunities to strengthen his support base ahead of the election for FIFA president next year. Blatter wants another term. A while back, it looked like he was going to have a serious challenger in the shape of Mohamed Bin Hammam, the head of the Asian Football Federation.

Bin Hammam was born in Qatar and was a huge campaigner for their bid for 2022. Some months ago he announced that he was not going to stand against Blatter, that the rumours of a rift between them were untrue, that, yes, they'd had disagreements in the past but, really, they were like brothers. Blatter's main rival to the presidency was, thereby, eliminated. And, lo, Qatar won the World Cup. Blatter will be re-elected next year for another four years.

He'll be 78 by the time his fourth term of office comes to an end. He says that will be his last, but the truth is that Blatter has got world football in the palm of his hands. If he wants a fifth term he will probably get it. No doubt, he would point out that his mentor Joao Havelange was in the job until he was 82. A precedent for the president. This is the continuing scandal of FIFA.

Seeing the luminaries of the English bid bowing in front of Blatter and his cohorts was pathetic. Watching their main men attack the BBC for airing their Panorama programme was feeble and sad. Andy Anson, the chief executive of the bid, said journalists who wrote of FIFA were unpatriotic. Now, Anson and others realise that the journalists were right. He and his supporters have had a sudden awakening since Thursday and have come over all moralistic about FIFA in their days since their humiliation was revealed. It's been cringe-making to watch.

In Russia and Qatar, though, the joy is unconfined and the allegations of corruption unchallenged.