Golf: Predictions of unexpected events on and off the course as 2011 dawns

JANUARY

EVEN before the new season gets up and running, Paul Casey makes yet another futile attempt to contact Colin Montgomerie. Unfortunately, the "coach of the year" is too busy issuing injunctions to speak to the talented but under-achieving Englishman, who Monty controversially left out of the 2010 Ryder Cup team.

Meanwhile, the PGA Tour schedule begins in Hawaii. Petrified by the prospect of no foreign players showing up and so leaving his opening event devoid of anyone worth watching, commissioner Tim Finchem offers to change his own rules and fly them all to the Pacific paradise. Lee Westwood and Rory McIlroy shrug and say: "Oh alright then."

To the surprise of absolutely no one, Jose Maria Olazabal is named European Ryder Cup captain.

Hertz named as official sponsors of the 2012 Ryder Cup. Hard of hearing Hibs fans officially not impressed.

World No.3 Tiger Woods returns to competitive action at Torrey Pines, where he won the 2008 US Open on one leg. This time, using both lower limbs, he misses the cut.

FEBRUARY

Paul Casey spends the night in a rented car outside Colin Montgomerie's home. No-one can be bothered to answer the front door. When reached for comment, Monty says Casey should "call my agent". Curiously and coincidentally, that same agent represents both men.

The nowadays somewhat sporadic LPGA Tour schedule kicks off in South Korea. Unsurprisingly, the winner of the opening event hails from a Far Eastern nation. Surprisingly, she manages to get through all 72 holes without surreptitiously breaking any of golf's myriad rules.

World No.4 Tiger Woods makes his almost-annual appearance at the Dubai Desert Classic. He misses the cut and afterwards fires his caddie, the despicable Steve Williams. All of golf rejoices.

The European Tour unveils Pringles as the official potato crisps and cashmere sweaters of the 2012 Ryder Cup.

MARCH

Lorena Ochoa announces her return to the LPGA Tour. "But only if I am sure that there is no cheating out there," says the scrupulously honest Mexican lass, who will have the despicable Steve Williams on the bag.

One tournament appearance later, Lorena Ochoa announces her re-retirement from competitive golf. So the despicable Steve Williams is out of work again. Happy days.

In the year's first World Golf Championship, the 64-man match-play field is notable for the almost complete absence of American players. Only three qualify and all are gone by the end of the first round. Tim Finchem's glistening upper lip is seen to quiver at the presentation ceremony, where Paul Casey picks up the trophy - but still no call from Monty.

APRIL

After leaping from the gallery, grabbing Colin Montgomerie's leg and being dragged halfway down the first fairway, a man is arrested during practice for the Masters Tournament at Augusta National. "Speak to me Monty, speak to me," pleads Paul Casey as he is hauled away by the ever-vigilant Pinkerton guards. A few days later, Geoff Ogilvy becomes the first Australian to win the year's first major. Lee Westwood is second. The leading American, world No.5 Tiger Woods, finishes in a tie for 32nd. Tim Finchem is unavailable for comment.

MAY

Still a bit panicky, Tim Finchem moves the Players Championship from its traditional home, the Tournament Players Club at Sawgrass. Despite much speculation that the event is headed for Holywood in Northern Ireland, the so-called "fifth major" is played at Worksop Golf Club in the English Midlands, where Lee Westwood wins, to the surprise of no-one in particular, with Rory McIlroy finshing second. In response, Finchem breaks out in a cold, clammy sweat.

Paul Casey uses his one permitted phone call from cell number 666 to ring you-know-who. Still no response.

No Americans can be bothered to fly over the Atlantic to Wentworth for the BMW PGA Championship. No-one notices. No-one cares. Not when nine of the world's top-ten are in attendance anyway. Course redesigner Ernie Els wins, as he is the only person able to hit and hold the eighth and 18th greens.

The despicable Steve Williams is hired as a bouncer by an Auckland nightclub. On his first night, two women beat him up.

JUNE

Lee Westwood wins the US Open at Congressional near Washington. Geoff Ogilvy is second. And the leading American, world No.6 Tiger Woods, finishes in a tie for 33rd. Tim Finchem is put on suicide watch.

Casey journeys to Congressional - scene of Monty's 1997 US Open screw-up - but is refused admission when the guards on the gate recognise his face/name on the "on no account allow entry" list. Monty breathes a sigh of relief en route to his new home - the TV compound.

The European Tour announces that Brillo Pads will be the official scourers at the 2012 Ryder Cup.

JULY

The Scottish Open at Castle Stuart is a runaway success. The Highland course gets rave reviews from the international field gathered from all corners of the globe except the United States. And the folks at VisitScotland are delighted with the stunning television pictures beamed to all corners of the globe, including the United States.

Geoff Ogilvy wins the Open Championship over the 9,500-yard Royal St Georges, where the new tees built on the neighbouring Princes course are deemed "a great success" by R&A chief executive Peter Dawson. He is especially pleased with the floating tee moored only 350-yards offshore in the English Channel. Lee Westwood is second. And the leading American, Ben Curtis, finishes in a tie for 41st. Tim Finchem is placed under 24-hour surveillance, guarded by the despicable Steve Williams.

For the British Women's Open at Carnoustie, a deeply-disturbed greenkeeper grows the rough, narrows the fairways to the point where they almost disappear and has the field play off the very back tees. A South Korean wins with a 42-over par score of 330. Suffering from acute dj-vu, Jean Van de Velde retires to his boudoir.

AUGUST

Dustin Johnson - an American! - wins the USPGA Championship. He does ground his club in what may or may not be a bunker halfway up the final hole, but is so far ahead it doesn't matter. Tim Finchem is last seen running naked into the dyed-blue lake fronting the 18th green, the one with the gushing fountain in the middle, quite close to the "floating" car on offer for a hole-in-one on the 740-yard par-4. Not that professional golf in the United States is in any way one dimensional or predictable. Heaven forbid.

Colin Montgomerie is forced to take out a restraining order against Paul Casey. From now on, the Englishman cannot venture within drive and wedge distance of Monty.

SEPTEMBER

The Walker Cup matches at Royal Aberdeen are a resounding success, although the sizeable gallery is largely disappointed when the US defeats GB&I by a clear seven points. One of Scotland's best - and strangely underrated - links is almost universally praised. The only question marks are those two very strange greens in the middle of the back nine. What was designer Donald Steel thinking seems to be the general consensus.

Jose Maria Olazabal announces that he will make no Ryder Cup-related announcements any time soon. Not to be put off, the European Tour announces that Colin "stand still, for *$!&'s sake" Montgomerie will be employed as chief marshal at the 2012 matches.

OCTOBER

The Alfred Dunhill Links Championship is halted when it is discovered that one of the amateur participants isn't a second-rate showbiz "personality", a former sports star or a multi-millionaire businessman. The intruder - a plumber from Shotts - is disqualified and play continues at its usual unwatchable snail's pace.

NOVEMBER

THE International team led by Greg Norman defeats Fred Couples' US squad at Royal Melbourne to lift the Presidents Cup. Tim Finchem immediately offers to resign.

After managing to restrain himself for almost three months, Paul Casey is arrested in rural Perthshire when he is found aimlessly wandering the moors near Colin Montgomerie's home. All that plaintive howling at the moon doesn't help his case either.

DECEMBER

Lee Westwood triumphs in both the Dubai World Championship and the Race to Dubai over Greg Norman's "Earth" course in the United Arab Emirates.

Or is it the "Fire" course? Never mind, it's the one with all those empty houses alongside nearly every hole.

Someone from Asia finishes on top of the LPGA Tour money list; almost all of golf mourns the death of integrity.

The despicable Steve Williams joins in after looking up "integrity" in the dictionary.