You will of course remember the film Downfall. It was once impossible to go online without another technological whizz-kid applying their own reworking of the famous rant scene when Hitler, played by the late, great Bruno Ganz, reacts to learning various orders have been disobeyed as he awaits his fate in a Berlin bunker.
It’s easy to imagine the American Keyes surveying the current situation at Dens Park with the same mouth-twitching fury as the club’s staff, including right-hand man and club MD John Nelms, look on anxiously while at the same time trying desperately to avoid his gaze.
[Keyes rises, puts both hands on the desk]
Keyes: “I have forked out the second biggest budget in the league, and you mean to tell me a team from a place better known for whatever-the-god-damn-hell smokies are can overtake us if they win today…”
[Nervous shuffling of feet]
Nelms: “It’s worse than that, sir. The city rivals, the team from across the road, the ones we relegated on Doon Derby night, are currently streaking away at the top and have also been awarded elite status for their coaching academy.”
Keyes: “Well, at least we got that late equaliser against Queen of the South. That is something. It was good to see Danny Johnson get a goal – hopefully McPake now plays both him and Hemmings up front. I’ve been waiting for him to do that.”
Nelms: “Err... I’m afraid the match did not end like that, sir. Queen of the South kicked off and nine seconds later scored the winning goal after Jordon Forster tried to chest down a long thump forward and then Stephen Dobbie stepped in and…”
Keyes: “Stop it, please stop it. Just stop it! Alright, all those of the view dropping Glen Kamara for Martin Woods this time last year was a ludicrous decision, please leave the room.”
[Everyone exits – except Nelms]
Keyes: “Right John. Well, I can’t pretend to understand why you let Jim McIntyre exile our best player as we battled relegation but you will have had your reasons.
“I do note that he’s currently starring in the Rangers midfield and that Steven Gerrard has a sickeningly smug look on his face every time he speaks about him, which seems to be most weekends.
“Oh and I know the Rangers manager played down reports linking him with a £7 million move to Juventus, but let’s face it, that’s the kind of move that’s well within his capabilities. I mean, he strolled through Rangers’ 2-2 draw with Feyenoord last midweek. He’s Gerrard’s go-to player in Europe.
“It’s only a matter of time before big clubs come calling and test Rangers’ resolve. He’s got another stage to show his worth this summer after helping Finland qualify for their first-ever major finals.
“Not bad for someone who was sitting at home last January because McIntyre, the man you assured me would stop the rot, preferred to play Darren O’Dea in a midfield holding role for the Scottish Cup replay down at Queen of the South...
“The only solace I can take from this truly horrible, horrible year is that rather than beg Rangers to give you £50,000, £15,000 of which was due to Arsenal, so you could fill up the team with journeymen from the English lower-tiers, an astute businessman like yourself inserted a clever sell-on clause which means we’re due a windfall when Kamara does eventually earn our friends from Ibrox a fortune...
“John? John? ....
[Exit one managing director].