Sometimes you just want to make somebody laugh.
Here are 100 guaranteed to get a quick laugh:
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.” – Tim Vine
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay – it’s in my jeans.
“The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin
“Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.” – Milton Jones
“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.” – Tim Vine
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
“I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.” – Tommy Cooper
I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
“I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'” – Tim Vine
“I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.” – Ken Dodd
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
“This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'” – Tim Vine
“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'” – Tim Vine
“Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.’” – Tim Vine
I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. No pun in 10 did.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.
“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” – Tom Ward
How does NASA organise a party? They planet.
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
“My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round.” – Sarah Millican
“My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.” – Milton Jones
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
“I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a penny. I live by the seaside.” – Ken Dodd
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
“I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” – Nick Helm
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
“Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door.” – Bill Bailey
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.
“Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It’s all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick.” – Andrew Lawrence
I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said “Thanks!” I said “Don’t mention it.”
“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” – Matt Kirshen
Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’ Because every play has a cast.
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine
“A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.” – Peter Kay
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'” – Tim Vine
“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off.” – Milton Jones
“Recently I went on a ballooning holiday – I put on four stone!” – Milton Jones
I hate Russian dolls… so full of themselves!
“Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied:‘Put some cold in then.” – Harry Hill
My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?” I said: “No it doesn’t!”
“You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.” – Milton Jones
“Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?” – Dan Antolpolski
“The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.” – Milton Jones
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “We don’t serve your type!” shouts the barman.
“Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.” – Tim Vine
“My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.” – Milton Jones
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.
“I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.” – Milton Jones
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said “40”.
Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’? There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.
“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.” – Tim Vine
I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.
“My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.” – Tim Vine
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going there.
What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
“I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'” – Tim Vine
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed a little space.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? “Aye matey.”
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
Never trust atoms. They make up everything.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeoouhh.” The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”
Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
What’s E.T. short for? He’s only got little legs.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from London Zoo.
I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeño business!
“Exit signs? They’re on the way out!” – Tim Vine
There’s no “I” in Denial.
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.
A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”
Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.
“Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…” – Milton Jones
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? “Thanks! I’ll never part with it!”
I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle!
[Main image: BBC]
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