Talk, not sex is secret to long and happy marriage

Successful communication skills are more important than an athletic sex life to married couples. Picture: Getty

A survey of couples married for more than a decade has revealed that successful communication skills are more important than an athletic sex life.

In a ranking of 20 top tips for sustaining a long-term marriage, a good sex life came in 18th place trailing far behind more mundane but crucial practices such as patience, honesty, respect and fidelity.

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The top-ranked piece of advice was to “talk”, which was followed by advice to “keep going” and persevere with marriage despite the difficulties and obstacles that often come along.

The study of 2,000 men and women who had notched up more than ten years of marriage found that only 1 per cent of respondents specifically mentioned the importance of a good sex life.

The research was commissioned by lawyers Slater & Gordon, who surveyed married people and asked for the one piece of advice they would pass on to newlyweds about how to survive ten years of marriage.

It was commissioned to mark the start of a new lawyer-supported mediation service the firm is offering to stop legal costs spiralling out of control and keep family disputes out of court.

Just 3 per cent mentioned being faithful in their words of wisdom while other nuggets of advice to newlyweds were to “keep working on it”, “listen” and “have patience”.

Yesterday Sarah Thompson, a family lawyer with Slater & Gordon, said: “What’s clear is that marriage can be hard work. When I speak to clients about the reasons their relationship has ended, it’s often for the same reasons: problems communicating and not being able to compromise. Sadly, despite the best intentions in the world, not every marriage will last forever.

“As this research has shown, communication and compromise can be the key to a happy marriage, but they are also the attributes that can help resolve a relationship that is over in the best possible way for all parties involved.”

Reinforcing the importance of keeping things light, a popular piece of advice was to have a good sense of humour and keep laughing. Another often-quoted piece of advice was “never go to sleep on an argument”.

There were some unexpected pieces of advice too, with a number of people simply stating “don’t get married”, while others cautioned: “Don’t let the in-laws interfere.”

Children were also a bone of contention for some couples, with a small number of people advising “don’t have children”, while others said “don’t have kids until you have saved up loads of money” or “don’t have kids straightaway”.

Those who go into marriage hoping to change their partners were given a dose of reality, with the advice: “Don’t have unrealistic expectations of changing someone to suit yourself”.

Remembering that a marriage lasts well beyond the wedding day was another popular theme, with couples being urged to stick at their relationship and “expect the ups and downs – it’s not all a bed of roses, but don’t give up too easily”.

TOP ADVICE

1 Talk

2 Compromise

3 Keep going

4 Work at it

5 Don’t give up on the marriage too easily

6 Don’t go to bed on an argument

7 Be patient

8 Listen

9 Be honest

10 Have respect

11 Be tolerant

12 Have realistic expectations

13 Don’t get married

14 Do things together

15 Communicate

16 Be tolerant

17 Be faithful

18 Have a good sex life

19 Be friends

20 Give each other space