Sketch: Ed Miliband loses out in game of ‘Where’s Cleggy’

After his absence on Monday, when David Cameron gave his statement on why he vetoed changes to the European Union treaty, Lib Dem Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg had apparently recovered from his huff over matters Brussels – well, almost anyway.

He strode into the Commons chamber to take his customary seat next to the Prime Minister to cheers from the Labour benches and grim faces from his own side.

At the end of the Chamber his enforcer-in-chief – Orkney hammer and coalition deputy chief whip Alistair Carmichael – chewed his lip anxiously.

And lip-chewing appeared to be catching along the Lib Dem ranks, especially with Mr Clegg himself, who became increasingly uncomfortable and miserable as PMQs proceeded.

There was no friendly tap on the shoulder from Mr Cameron, suggesting he must have been really cross with his deputy’s outburst given that he was even able to give a pat on the back to French president Nicholas Sarkozy after the two had been at one another’s throats until the early hours in Brussels.

But Mr Clegg was warmly welcomed back by Labour leader Ed Miliband, who was joyfully mocking the discord in the coalition ranks.

“Mr Speaker, let me say that it is good to see the Deputy Prime Minister back in the House,” he said. He reminded the House of the Prime Minister’s description of the coalition pre-European tantrums: “Coalition politics is not always straightforward. But I believe we are bringing in a whole new style of government. A more collegiate approach.”

Shaking his head sadly, Mr Miliband added: “I am bound to ask, what has gone wrong?”

But as has been a regular feature of PMQs this year, Mr Miliband seemed to leave his chin dangling in the wind waiting for the Prime Minister to give him a knock-out punch.

Mr Cameron, who appeared to be in fits of uncontrollable laughter before answering, calmed himself and duly delivered.

“I will answer,” he said, still trying to control his mirth. “No one in this House is going to be surprised that Conservatives and Liberal Democrats do not always agree about Europe.” And then with a flourish of his right hand: “It’s not that bad – it’s not like we’re brothers or anything.”

You could almost see the wind rush out of Mr Miliband’s sails at the mention of his elder brother David, whom he beat to the leadership courtesy of the unions, despite the latter winning more support among MPs. It even put a smile back on poor Mr Clegg’s face.

The Labour leader was shaken but not out yet though, as he staggered back to the dispatch box to give the Tory MPs just what they wanted.

After his shadow foreign secretary Douglas Alexander had offered a new deal to the Lib Dems based on a pro-EU approach, Mr Miliband wanted to remind them that they were the cheated partner in the coalition’s marriage of convenience.

“I think our sympathy is with the Deputy Prime Minister. His partner goes on a business trip and he is left waiting by the phone, but he hears nothing until a rambling phone call at 4am confessing to a terrible mistake. How is the Prime Minister going to pick up the pieces of the bad deal he delivered for Britain?”

The trouble was, his heart was no longer in the fight and Mr Cameron wanted to finish it off.

He homed in on Mr Miliband’s own indecision over the European question.

“Even the soundbite was recycled from a previous Prime Minister’s Question Time. On Wednesday the answer was no. Today – I think – the answer is maybe. This leader of the Labour party makes weakness and indecision an art form; that is the fact.”

And as a parting gift (perhaps for Christmas), he added: “He [Miliband] has completely united his party. Every single one of them has asked Santa for the same thing: a new leader for Christmas.”

The festive spirit was in evidence again when arch Conservative Eurosceptic Philip Hollobone got up to praise an EU initiative.

The initiative, however, was to send prisoners from other EU countries back to jail in their own states.