Coronavirus: Get ready for noisy neighbours if lockdown gets real – Ayesha Hazarika

Amid the coronavirus crisis, we may be all a bit ‘Blitz Spirit’ now, but when the lockdown really comes the noise from the neighbours may start to get a bit irritating, writes Ayesha Hazarika.
Ayesha warns her neighbours to get ready for her Bridget Jones-style drunken solo karaoke if they all end up locked down in the same building (Picture: Moviestore/Shutterstock)Ayesha warns her neighbours to get ready for her Bridget Jones-style drunken solo karaoke if they all end up locked down in the same building (Picture: Moviestore/Shutterstock)
Ayesha warns her neighbours to get ready for her Bridget Jones-style drunken solo karaoke if they all end up locked down in the same building (Picture: Moviestore/Shutterstock)

Right now, even though we’re all so scared we genuinely need that precious toilet roll, we’re at the stage of the crisis where the real horror hasn’t begun. Nothing that bad has happened yet.

We can still go out if we want to (we shouldn’t). We are busy getting ready to nest for the foreseeable future. It’s not quite the Blitz. As the meme someone sent me said, “our grandparents were sent to war. We’ve been sent to the sofa”.

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And we’re in the stage where we still want to be as positive as we can, which of course is a good thing, and the milk of human kindness is flowing freely apart from in the supermarket where someone will head-butt you for a pint of semi-skimmed.

I am genuinely moved by all the local community activity about looking out for elderly neighbours and offering to do their shopping. But let’s see how we feel and behave when this lockdown gets real.

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You may start off loving thy neighbour, but you may end up loathing them. Especially if you live in densely populated, poorly constructed accommodation, especially in a flat. We are soon to be literally living on top of each other and with that comes the joys of neighbourly noise which without meaning to, can drive even the most mild-mannered community do-gooder into a homicidal maniac.

In peace time, the sounds of other people’s lives can often become the sound track to your life too in a pleasant, comforting reassuring way. I have friends who can hear their neighbours having loud sex on a regular basis. Is that not awful? “Not really, as we know their rhythm and it’s over pretty quickly.” But other people’s noise – like mess – can be highly annoying.

I once had a neighbour who loved throwing a really late, loud party on a Monday night when everyone else in the block had work the next day. They kept playing this one particular song over and over again. It was utter hell, and such a crap song, and I remember lying in bed fuming. One night, my flatmate and I lost it, marched upstairs in our dressing gowns, hammered on the door only to discover that the person who lived there was the lead singer of the aforementioned appalling song.

Another friend tells me of the upstairs neighbour (it’s always them isn’t it?) who insists on putting a wash on at about midnight, along with the dishwasher for good measure.

Now as we seal ourselves in our cramped, urban dwellings, all this is going to get even worse. We will hear all the intimacies of our neighbour’s daily lives and they ours.

And everyone is annoying and makes noise. Particularly little people. There. I said it. Strike me down. King Herod incarnate! There’s no question, it’s incredibly stressful for parents cooped up inside with young children bursting with energy, bouncing off the walls, but is also stressful if you’re living next to it, especially if you’re sick or trying to work and of course can’t pop down the local café.

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The imminent noise hell we’re about to experience is no-one’s fault. We’re all locked in, trying to get through this the best we can. I hope common sense and basic decency mean we will all try to be considerate to those who we live with cheek by jowl. There’s no easy solution apart from industrial quality earphones or buying a white noise machine.

I just pray that for their sake, my neighbours are prepared for my Bridget Jones-style drunken solo karaoke.

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