Sketch: Lockdown makes PMQs a bit whacky

Prime Minister Boris Johnson giving a speech during a visit to Dudley College of Technology in Dudley

That’s probably what the UK Government wanted to be talking about today, ahead of the announcement of the first ‘air bridges’ to holiday destinations today. Except we’re not sure the announcement is today anymore. Possibly this weekend. Maybe don’t book anything yet - places like Greece, desperate for tourist cash, still aren’t that keen on a plane load of visitors from a country with around 1,000 new coronavirus infections per day.

So we might have to make due with a pint of bitter in a mouldy British seaside hotel bar, to wash away the sickly sweet taste of soft-serve from the side of a van.

That was the vibe of Wednesday’s PMQs: less five star foreign luxury, more three star staycation. Boris Johnson has clearly got a pier amusement arcade on his mind: why else would he keep mentioning his ‘whack a mole’ strategy?

Businesses in Leicester, told to shut their doors after weeks of preparation to reopen, are having less fun than a day by the seaside. Sir Keir Starmer wanted to know why data showing coronavirus infections had topped 900 wasn’t made available to the local authority, which had to make due with published numbers for tests carried out in hospital, showing just 80 confirmed cases.

“The local authority was given the real figure only last Thursday, so there was a lost week while the virus was spreading,” Starmer said.

“There are now real fears of further local lockdowns across the country. Can the Prime Minister give a cast-iron guarantee today that no other local authority will ever be put in that position again?”

The Prime Minister wasn’t going to let that spoil his day out. “Both pillar 1 and pillar 2 data have been shared, not just with Leicester, but with all authorities across the country,” he insisted.

“We did in Leicester exactly what we did, for instance, in Kirklees, Bradford, Weston-super-Mare or other places where very effective whack-a-mole strategies have been put in place.”

An effective whack-a-mole strategy presumably involves whacking the mole as quickly and firmly as possible. Given that Leicester was locked down two days ago, with no clear date for when it will re-emerge, this very first mole remains unwhacked.

“The Prime Minister cannot just bat away challenge,” Starmer hit back, keeping up the whacking theme. “These are matters of life and death, and people’s livelihoods.”

He reminded the Prime Minister that his response to questions about the safety of seaside towns was to “show some guts”.

“Two days later, Bournemouth beach was closed; there were 500,000 visitors and a major incident was declared. Does the Prime Minister now regret being so flippant?”

Certainly not, Johnson replied. “It is very, very important that people who do represent seaside communities, places where UK tourists will want to go, should be as welcoming as they can possibly be.” We’ll whack that mole when we get to it.

Starmer’s demand to know how many jobs would be saved by an economic stimulus package containing little to no new money was met with an equally firm swing of the rubber club. “We are the builders; they are the blockers,” Johnson roared. “We are the doers; they are the ditherers.” We are the whackers, he could have added.

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