Celebrity stories of the week

Katie Holmes files for divorce from Tom Cruise

Katie Holmes has filed divorce papers to end her marriage to possible part-alien Tom Cruise, and has asked for sole legal custody of the couple’s six-year-old daughter Suri.

It has been widely speculated that Holmes’ impetus for the move was to prevent her daughter being sent to Scientology school, although stopping a child from attending a school that tells them they lived on another planet in a previous life isn’t going to stop their dad from casually mentioning it on a weekend-access trip to the ice cream parlour.

It was also reported that the Church of Scientology had dispatched members to spy on Holmes outside her New York home, after two men were spotted by her security team staking out the building in an SUV and questioning neighbours. It then transpired that the men were in fact her new security guards, and that nobody had thought to tell the old ones they had been replaced.

Reactions to the news on Twitter have been suitably moving, including: “Who gets the Beckhams?;” “I want to be Tom Cruise’s next beard” and “Who gets the couch?”

British public expecting entire album of songs about Adele’s baby

Adele has announced that she is pregnant with her first child, with boyfriend Simon Konecki. The singer tweeted the news on Friday, saying: “I wanted you to hear the news direct from me, obviously we’re over the moon and very excited but please respect our privacy at this precious time. Yours always, Adele xx.”

Her song-writing partner Dan Wilson has confirmed that this doesn’t mean she has stopped writing material though, to the relief of those keen to hear an album of songs about her unborn child. And Adele will no doubt be pleased to hear Katy Perry’s reaction to the news: “I love the fact that she’s going to have a baby, that’s so cute of her.”

In other uterine news, Angela Chase (also known as Claire Danes) is expecting her first child, and Jordan Catalano is not the father; that’d be the Homeland actress’ real-life husband Hugh Dancy.

Kim Kardashian – planning wedding to Kanye/whoever

In “news” courtesy of an In Style magazine interview, diehard romantic/Vera Wang collector Kim Kardashian apparently falls in love fast, and likes planning weddings.

Kardashian, who is in a relationship with rapper Kanye West and in divorce proceedings with husband of 72 days Kris Humphries, said:

“I’ve always believed in love. I haven’t always been so lucky, but I still do believe in it. I’ve always been the type to fall in love fast and, with every boyfriend, I plan out my wedding in my head.”

Watch this space/the E! channel for Kimye nuptials, although watch it fairly intently, as blink and you might miss it.

Dog is millionaire

While you teeter ever closer to the breadline, it has been announced in Britain today that a dog is a millionaire. It’s fair enough though, because apparently he is more talented than you as well.

Pudsey, the dog who won Britain’s Got Talent along with trainer Ashleigh Butler, has signed a book deal (yes, he’s more interesting than you too, unless someone’s offered to write your biography lately) and a panto deal, which together with his BGT winnings makes him worth more than £1 million.

Pudsey’s agents have done a deal with Orion Books, publishers of ‘Triggs: The Autobiography of Roy Keane’s Dog’.

Chantelle Houghton has been too busy to name her baby

Those weekly OK! photo shoots must take up a lot more time than the end result would suggest, as former Big Brother star Chantelle Houghton still hasn’t managed to find the time to name her daughter, born nearly three weeks ago.

Houghton came close to naming the child, which was almost a Minnie or an Honor, but changed her mind. She said: “It’s terrible, I’ve had nine months and have gone through American names, Spanish names, English names ...There’s just nothing I really love.”

Despite struggling to name the first one, Houghton is planning on another baby already, saying she wants to be pregnant again by the end of this year.