UKIP's treason to be cheerful

DIARYYOU may have missed the news item revealing that Gordon Brown had been cited for treason last week.

And not only Mr Brown, but also Tony Blair, John Major, Margaret Thatcher, Jim Callaghan, Harold Wilson and Ted Heath. This parcel o' rogues was reported for treason by a "small group of patriotic and concerned constituents of Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath, led by retired Royal Engineers captain Peter Adams".

Under the auspices of UKIP (the United Kingdom Independence Party), they visited Kirkcaldy police station to make the grave accusation. UKIP said: "With evidence collected from official papers released under government rules, a dossier has been compiled with evidence of treason by Sir Edward Heath and members of his government in the preparation for joining the then Common Market. The original treaty and all consequent treaties were acts of treason as they intended to undermine the sovereignty of the United Kingdom. These treaties give the EU laws precedence over national laws." UKIP goes on to claim all the main parties are "committed to surrender our country to the political project of the EU".

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The reaction of the desk sergeant at Kirkcaldy to the treason charge is not known – but as far as Alba is aware, the PM hasn't been arrested.

Salmond the has-bean

ALEX Salmond showed characteristic humility last week when students outside the parliament handed him tins of beans in protest at low levels of financial support. After taking the beans (forgivable for a man on a diet) he promptly signed them and handed them back. Alba has been checking eBay for tins bearing the First Minister's signature.

Still hogging the limelight

HEDGEHOGS have such a good PR machine. They are waking up now, and the Hedgehog Preservation folk are keen to ensure they don't die by careless gardening. They ask: "Please take care when tidying up after winter – hedgehogs suffer terrible injuries from strimmers, garden forks, mowers, etc."

You are advised to watch for staggering hedgehogs; they aren't drunk but may be hypothermic. Take them in, put them in a high-sided box with a wrapped-up hot-water bottle and give them water and meat-based food. Then put a DVD on, maybe?

Top of the class back in the day

A FRIEND of Alba, doing some book research, came across an interesting snippet in the Weekend Scotsman from January 1984. A school magazine competition's "best item of prose" prize was won by one Alison Kennedy of Dundee High School with a piece called Three for the Bolshoi. It was, the judges said, "an accomplished piece of journalism". Alison is now better known as the author AL Kennedy, whose book Day won the Costa Prize last month. The Scotsman judges 24 years ago should be congratulated on their ability to spot talent.