Oh, for a tune that stirs the blood

A country’s national anthem should be more than muzak to pass the time while someone gets a medal. It should inspire, excite and, if necessary, inflame an already savage breast. First and foremost, it should give your team a better chance of winning - as the French proved by slaughtering us at Murrayfield yesterday.

Last month, when Wales beat Scotland in the Six Nations, a Welsh brass band played a pathetic, oom-pa-pa, ice-cream-vanesque version of Flower of Scotland, which disorientated our fans and forced them to murmur their anthem like a bunch of embarrassed kids on the first day of term. Then, out sprang Aled Jones, brandishing his baritone and leading his countrymen in a rousing rendition of "Long Live Leeks", or whatever it is the Welsh sing. Very loudly. In Cardiff, Scotland were crushed before the ref blew the first whistle. They were beaten by the band and that defeat must have encouraged yesterday’s premiere of Highland Cathedral as a possible new national anthem in the battle - sorry, match - against France.

Coming up against La Marseillaise on your first time out is a huge challenge, but despite few voices being raised, Highland Cathedral sounded fine. Trouble is, whenever I hear it, I always imagine it’s a soundtrack for a documentary about Scotland-from-the-air. It’s a nice melody but, considering yesterday’s performance, I don’t think it quite inspires our lads to get out there and swing the enemy around the pitch by their scrotums.

Although modern anthems tend to be all touchy-feely and concerned with the brotherhood of man, nothing beats a good, butch battle song to get the patriotic juices flowing. Nowadays, the French would never get away with "Let impure blood water our furrows", but they’ve had it for 200 years, and it works, so they’re keeping it.

We need something equally intoxicating to speed us on to glory, but we can’t seem to choose between the Scotland-from-the-air soundtrack and Flower of Scotland, which is forever being labelled a ‘dirge’.

We must decide soon. Our historical reputation is at stake. I mean, can you imagine the scene at Rorke’s Drift if the Scots, rather than the Welsh, had been defending?

"Sir! Sir! There are 4,000 Zulus approaching! What shall we sing to scare them away?"

"Oh no ... remind me - what’s Scotland’s national anthem?"

"No-one can decide, sir, but we need something stirring!"

"How about God Save The Queen?"

"I said ‘stirring’, sir. We must stay awake."

"OK. Um … how about that nice tune, you know, the one that sounds like it should be a soundtrack to a Scotland-from-the-air documentary?"

"Can’t remember it, sir - and the lads say Flower of Scotland is too downbeat. Quick, sir, what shall we do? The drums are getting closer!"

Without a decent Scots alternative to Men of Harlech, I’m guessing far fewer Victoria Crosses would have been doled out that day.

Perhaps we should hold a kind of "Anthem Idol" competition, to choose a Song for Scotland. Personally, I’d like the nation to choose between lyrically rejigged versions of Donald Where’s Yer Troosers?, Mull of Kintyre, Big Country’s Fields of Fire and the Proclaimers’ 500 Miles - preferably with added verses about claymores smiting the heathen skulls of Scotland’s enemies.

But failing all this, one internationally recognised Scots anthem is being mentioned as a possible alternative - Auld Lang Syne. It might not help us win at rugby - God knows what can do that - but it might be nice to have the only national anthem in the world which obliges everybody to hold hands.