Nana's no-no to Capital fans on farewell tour

Her caravan's solitary stop in Scotland will see her in Glasgow - well, you'd want to get Glasgow behind you - and no farewell to Edinburgh. Her fans here must be seething.

She tells us she's never more relaxed than when she's dusting and ironing. "I'll put on my bathing suit and do the ironing in the sunshine on the terrace."

Good thinking, Nana. Those kaftans will be dry before you can say Demis Roussos. At 73 the ashen white rose of Athens, the domestic diva, is, after all, in the autumn of her life.

Chiles is cue to turn off

I'm a learner. Still. I've learned that The One Show, in its second season plaguing BBC1 screens nightly at seven, is the one show to avoid. Like the plague.

It's a telly dustbin, again fronted by Adrian Chiles. Rhymes with piles and he'd chronically irritate mine, if I had them, if I'd not learned months ago to instantly turn him off.

Gawd, I'd go as far as to say that Autocue Adrian - only Beeb sport's Rob Bonnet can rival his autocue stare - is even more stultifying than Tony Robinson and Peter Snow and son rehashing over-familiar war footage.

Lord help me, "Gawd" will have got me deeper into Mrs Campbell's bad books. A puritan reader who voice-mailed me for using "sweet Jesus" in the column. "I was offended. I'd appreciate it if you don't use blasphemy."

Presumably Jesus no longer wants me for a sunbeam.

Quick work, Frankly

I'm strolling down the Royal Mile of a morning and I'm assailed by Man Mountain Frank Dougan from the other side of the road.

"Good morning, John," the treasurer of the Hibernian Supporters Association bellows from his car. "Morning, Frank! Tell me, is Alan O'Brien as phenomenally fast as John Collins says he is?"

Colllins claims his new signing is the fastest player he's ever seen. "He could be right, by the way," said big Frank as the lights changed. Faster than the speed of sound. And Ivan Sproule was faster than that.