John Gibson: Tap water but you'll have to pay

Oh calamity! What is an impoverished Royal Mile restaurateur to do? "Gets on my wick," he's telling me, "when we dare to ask somebody to pay for a glass of tap water and they complain.

"Here we pay 293 a month for water. We pay somebody to fill the glass and put it on the table. We pay to have that glass washed.

"Not to mention that when they come in only to use our toilet we're paying for the water, towels, soap and paper.

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"Don't stop me now you've got me going. I'm paying 18,000 a year rates. Where is that money going? Did I forget 350 a month for rubbish collection?

"So please . . . don't ask for a glass of water and bitch when we have the nerve to suggest you're expected to pay."

Suddenly, I've lost my thirst.

Off target

Hold your fire. The Beeb thought it a bright idea to have some of our lads in Helmand shoot a "home video" of them in action at the front. It wasn't.

We've seen so much of this blasting away at a never visible enemy, next to nothing in the way of casualties on the spot, where it happened.

Not that I'm craving gore. But there was little about this insert in the News at Six to justify its inclusion. The "real thing" but hardly riveting and it would do little to boost army recruiting.

Uneasy in my role as a sniper, but what would really terrorise the Taliban was presenter Caroline Wyatt's voice from 20,000 leagues under the sea.

See the BBC3 documentary for the fuller picture.

Fer-well Husky

F-f-f-Ferlin Husky has popped his cowboy boots and does anybody give a tuppeny toss? Come on, not every country singer had Presley warm up for him.

Ferlin didn't hang about while he was on the planet. Four wives. Nine children. He's survived by one wife and eight grandchildren. If you're a C-and-W fan and you've never heard of Ferlin, you didn't get out much.

He used to claim that Elvis was seriously out of tune. Was that his singing? Or was it his guitar?