John Gibson: How about a Jazz 'n' Python night, Tom?

MUST stoppit. I sense the column has been easing me back into what was only one of my varied functions for this paper throughout my mid-life crisis, that of television critic.

Just let me say that I saw by ill luck, a load of Channel Five dross called Invasion of the Giant Pythons of Florida. I instantly called Tom Ponton, city councillor turned business consultant, at his Florida retreat, to tell him to be on his guard there. These slithery things can swallow a man whole.

But Tom, of portly proportions, would give them a problem. They wouldn't do him in a oner. An idea for your next event at your Oz Bar in Candlemaker Row. Forget the pies and make it a Jazz 'n' Pythons night.

Can I add that those pesky pythons would be welcome to make a meal of the irritating presenter of this series, Nigel Marven. His accent should see him chained to a fruit-and-veg barrow in Soho.

If the pythons crave seconds, how about Tony Robinson?

No talent required

• Seems like Adrian Chiles (Adrian who?) in a career switch has graduated from a nobody into a somebody but credit where due, he has worked at it. I mean, where is the talent, what has he achieved apart from self-glorification?

Divorced in October, the part-Croat reportedly is crowing: "Divorce is a very private thing and you don't want people to write about it . . . I hope to meet a smart person with a sense of humour (she'll need it], not necessarily a beautiful one."

Not easy to imagine them queuing up. Don't know who he sees when he looks into the mirror of a morning but it can't be George Clooney. Chiles Brings on Piles has to be the telly slogan for the new year.

Powerful pact

• I habitually phone the Rev Charles Robertson at this time. I'm forever at odds with where the angels are but somehow the feelgood factor consumes me when I call cheerful Charlie.

He spent close on 30 years ministering at the Canongate Kirk, until 2005 and he has been helping David Deniston run St Cuthbert's at the West End.

The Rev David's a Weegie and possibly has a pact with the Almighty to be allowed to be in charge of Edinburgh's most prestigious churches.

Charlie's wife Alison is back home from a lengthy spell in hospital. Get better soon, Alison.