John Gibson: Heard about Bygraves, by the way?

When you no longer get out as much, you're no longer privy to the hot goss. When you read in the papers about Max Bygraves and his dodgy morals, you can be shocked and stunned. Enough to make your granny wet her knickers.

Can this possibly be the same Max Bygraves, one-time highest paid entertainer in the UK and reportedly now a dementia victim in a care home in Oz, who sang about pink toothbrushes and tulips in Amsterdam? Squeaky clean all those years, Slapsie Maxie led us to believe.

Believe me, this is a story I didn't wanna tell you.

Words fail Becks

Nothing wrong with his threads. Recklessly I'd dare say that David Beckham's suit for his tea-time telly tuppenceworth on Monday was the smartest I've seen on a footballer since . . . since Maradona raised the hand of God. Can't imagine boot-faced Posh the Poseur had a hand in it.

Money no problem for Becks. Pity he doesn't seem to have splashed any of it on elocution. For elocution, read electrocution.

He was on about the Olympics. Zany seeing him alongside the Games guru and professional hob-nobber Seb Coe. One hopes Becks didn't forget to genuflect before Lord Seb.

Rear admirable

Biggish in the botty. Her rear brought her adulation. Up top, short of undulation perhaps. Fiona Bruce would never claim to be a woman who has everything. But there's enough.

She made a point of turning up at the 2010 Rear of the Year Awards, the battle of the bums now with 2011 winner Carol Vorderman and Dawn French in contention, and declaring subsequently: "If someone had offered me Rear of the Year when I was 20, even 30, even 35, I wouldn't have given it the time of day.

"I did think it is the most hypocritical, ludicrous thing I've ever done, and I know intellectually I shouldn't do it because it's demeaning. Then I just thought 'Sod it, what the hell?'.''

As we intellectuals would exclaim at the foot of Leith Walk: "Yer bum's oot the windae!"