Feed your little one from the bottle? How dare you

Ding-dong! It's the Health Visitor come to check up on Mr and Mrs Anxious Parents and their new baby.

HV: You're continuing with the breastfeeding, I hope.

AP: Well, er … This professor says breast isn't necessarily best …

HV: I'll be the judge of that! I'm most disappointed in you both.

Hide Ad
Hide Ad

AP: … and that we shouldn't be made to feel guilty by health professionals …

HV: Nonsense! Whatever next? Full cream dairy milk in the fridge, I'll bet! (inspects fridge contents). Just as I thought! A blue top!

AP: But it's just for coffee.

HV: Coffee's bad for you! And what's this? Cans of beer! I've told you a thousand times. There's a No Alcohol regime. And what's this? It's worse! Ready meals! Haven't I warned you about those?

AP: It's only for ourselves.

HV: You really must stick to the official diet and exercise programme I've given you. Have you filled in the daily checklists?

AP: We really haven't had time…

HV: Kept to the protein diet? The carbohydrate rationing? The organic fibre regime? The fluid monitoring system?

AP: We've no time left to be parents.

HV: You must feel very guilty, the pair of you. Riddled with anxiety.

AP: Just as well we're not breastfeeding, then. Fancy some carrot cake?

Related topics: