Cue McDallas

Maybe they will have a new slant on the Texan oilman tales when J R sees an opportunity to move into Scotland and take over the North Sea industry. Cliff Barnes will join up with local tough nut Eck “The Fish”, to stymie J R’s fiendish plans (tying up Scottish planning authorities with proposals to build “world-class” golf courses all over the North-east and quietly taking over oilfields while attention is diverted elsewhere).

After a thrilling Zimmer chase through the Old Town of Edinburgh, J R will face a show-down in a curry house at which he will discover that the Scottish Ewings are, to a woman, on the other side. Cliff will have put on so much weight keeping up with the new diet of vindaloos that Eck “The Fish” has been feeding him (in place of the Chinese he prefers), that he ends up being pushed around in a wheelbarrow by a gay, married couple.

J R’s escape will be prevented by the rusted tram which has blocked the foot of the Mound since the passenger who caught it didn’t have the right change for the £500 fare and the electricity ran out.

Swellan (Sue Ellen) will have drunk the High Street Whisky Shop dry and Bahbbie will have taken over Southfork in J R’s absence, with his mother’s mummified remains sitting in pride of place at the head of the table. Will Bahbbie (Bobby) take a shower, as in the last series? Cue dramatic music.

Andrew H N Gray

Craiglea Drive

Edinburgh