Sandra Dick: We’ll make sure you’ve the last laugh on Blue Monday

CHEER UP, it’s the most depressing day of the year.

Today is when we’re all supposed to be at our most glum, when the Christmas credit card splurge comes back to haunt us in the form of a mountain of bills combined with a general mid-January mood slump.

Skint, overweight thanks to too much festive fun, and with nothing much to look forward to – add to the mix short, grey days and long cold nights and there’s even less to smile about.

Indeed, it all adds up to what’s been dubbed “Blue Monday”, when our spirits hit their very lowest ebb.

To help survive the dreariest day of the year, we’ve asked around town and found some of the best jokes around.

So, settle back, shake off the blues and, in the words of Monty Python, always look on the bright side of life.

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TWO lions walking down a high street, one says to the other: “Quiet for a Saturday, isn’t it?”

A MAN walks into a bar and orders two bottles of Champagne, 15 beers and 12 vodkas then starts downing the lot.

The barman says: “Hold up, mate, take it easy.” The man replies: “You’d drink like I drink if you’d got what I’ve got.” The barman asks: “What have you got?” The man replies: “50p!”

Lawson Auden, 33, city centre communications officer

A LADY goes into a singles bar. The vending machine by the door says: “God, you’re ugly”. Then a packet of crisps on the bar says: “She’s not… she’s beautiful”. The lady says to the barman: “What’s going on here?” He replies: “The machine is out of order, but the snacks are complimentary.”

Aaron Usher, 34, Edinburgh-based actor, who recently starred in Glasgow’s King’s Theatre pantomime.

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HOW many sound engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? A. One, two, one, two

Q: WHAT’S the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? A: You only have to punch the instructions into a drum machine once.”

Singer/songwriter Riley Briggs of Aberfeldy

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Q: WHAT do you get hanging from apple trees? A: Sore arms.

Fiona Duff, Edinburgh public relations firm Duff Publicity

MY husband likes JK Rowling. Not the books, he just has a thing for blonde millionaires.

TODAY I ended up waiting six hours for the gas man. In the end I just thought, “Oh, to hell with it”, and put my clothes back on.

Jo Caulfield, 48, Edinburgh-based radio and television comedian

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WHEN my snowglobe business went bankrupt it turned my world upside down.

MY job as a yoga instructor is very flexible.

PEOPLE say don’t cry over spilt milk. But what if it’s tears of joy because you’re lactose intolerant?

Matthew Winning, 26, Edinburgh Fringe Chortle Student Comedy Award Finalist

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I DREAMT I wrote Lord of the Rings last night. That’s right – I was Tolkein in my sleep.

Tommy Mackay, aka The Sensational Alex Salmond Gastric Band

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MY Spanish girlfriend refuses to keep the corset I bought her with the rest of her lingerie. She’s a Basque separatist.

THE local pub has just scrapped plans to introduce bigger glasses for the blind. No-one could see the pint.”

Comic Jason Murphy, 45, who will be performing at The Stand on January 22

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MY brother’s doctor says he can no longer play video games, and he’s taking it very hard, in fact, he’s inconsolable.

Q: HOW many members of Coldplay does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Just one, but he has to see Radiohead do it first.

Staff at the Scottish Book Trust

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JEAN is seven feet tall and works as a domestic at a hospital. We call her High Jean.

RUSSIAN Dolls. Just so full of themselves.

Stand-up comic and city based comedy promoter Greg Davysson

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TWO owls are playing pool when the first one misses the ball. The second owl says: “Two hits.” The first one replies: “Two hits to who?”

Edinburgh based mindreader Drew McAdam, who appears on television as the Mentalist

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I asked my nephew to count to ten. He said 1,3,5,7,9. I thought: “That’s a little odd.”

Scottish comedy circuit performer Kevin Gallacher