Juliet Dunlop: Diamond Jubilee the retailer’s best friend

TRUNDLING along the aisles of a well-known high-street retailer this week, I was faced with some difficult choices. Should I go for the red, white and blue bunting, a giant papier-mâchè crown or a large cake iced with the union flag? A tough choice, but after some careful reflection, I decided on none of the above.

But take a look around, it’s not just supermarkets who are enjoying their moment with the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee. From book shops to petrol stations, garden centres to banks, Scotland’s retailers have joined the celebration.

Nothing wrong with that of course, it’s just the merchandising that’s a little curious. Quite frankly, it makes me feel like a tourist. Or at least one who’s stuck in the Harrod’s gift shop at Terminal 5, where bulldogs and bowler hats are the norm.

Chances are it’s all the work of some young, ironic marketing executive with a degree from the Dick Van Dyke School of Cockney.

Remember, we’ve tried this sort of thing before, only last time it was all about Britpop, Mockneys, Minis and Liam and Noel Gallagher. Cool Britannia didn’t work out in the end and the very same people Tony Blair invited to Downing Street were later embarrassed to admit that they’d partied with the Prime Minister.

But it seems we’ve been leading up to this latest marketing wheeze for some time. Knitting and jam making, allotments and baking – nostalgia is the name of the game and it can all be taken home in a retro cake tin and washed down with some dandelion and burdock.

It’s all very appealing when the country’s official terror threat rating is stuck at “high”.

Maybe it’s just lazy stereotyping direct from Agatha Christie Casting but tourists – real tourists, that is, love it. I lived in London for ten years and lost count of the number of times I was asked to take pictures of couples standing next to the sign for Notting Hill Gate or Portobello Market. I always found St Paul’s or Big Ben a little more thrilling but as an outsider, I understood.

But that’s London, not Great Britain, and that’s where the Jubilee with all its iconography falls down for many Scots. While some of England’s towns and villages are awash with red, white and blue, I haven’t spotted much, if any, bunting on the streets here – it may have been blown down or washed away, it is May after all, but I doubt it and the M&S food hall doesn’t really count.

No, tartan is the thing here and we’re sticking with our formula of whisky, castles and cashmere. National identity? Not a problem. You can’t blame Hollywood either – Scotland the Brand is mainly of our own making, and as long as there’s a Royal Mile, the See You Jimmy hat will live long and prosper.

Take Disney-Pixar’s latest animated offering, Brave. Billed as a Highland adventure set in mediaeval Scotland, it has starry cast that includes Scots Kelly MacDonald and Billy Connolly. After suffering an embarrassing flop with sci-fi adventure John Carter the good people at Disney need a hit, and who better to hitch their wagon to than an “impetuous Highland princess” with flowing red hair.

Sadly, Princess Merida has been having trouble in the old voice department. The real-life version has already made her debut at Disney World and rather than sounding like a Scottish princess of old, she has an Irish twang. It’s all down to the placing of the consonants and vowels apparently. I wonder if Walt has given Rebekah Brooks a call? She certainly looks the part.

And anyway, we’re used to the accent being mangled in the movies. Remember Liam Neeson as Rob Roy and Mel Gibson hamming it up as William Wallace?

But tartan tat and Tinseltown aside, the Diamond Jubilee, it seems, is about revisiting the past, tapping into a bigger, grander history. The economic storm clouds that threatened to overshadow the Silver Jubilee in 1977 are back but on 3 June a flotilla of 1,000 boats will sail along the Thames, behind the gilded royal barge, whatever the weather.

Maybe I will buy that red, white and blue cake after all.