John Gibson: Cheryl’s not shy about her shoes

What’s to stop her shunting a couple of pairs up here and I’ll auction them for an ex-servicemen’s charity? Cheryl Cole, the former X Factor judge, is screaming that she has 2000 pairs. A feat in itself.

“I’ve developed a shoe fetish,” she’s saying, demurely. The biggest gross understatement you’ll read all day.

“There’s a big chance when you open the fridge in my house, a pair of shoes will be at the bottom.” How unhygienic.

Yes, sweetie, bundle some up here. I see plenty shoeless women barefooting it along Princes Street in the early hours at weekends. It was the drink wot done it.

Just crackers

Knockin’ on Saughton’s door. More like heaven’s door. Here’s what the inmates will tuck into on Christmas Day. The lip-smackin’ menu (choices) will have you salivating. Starters: Scotch broth or fruit cocktail. Mains: Turkey with cranberry sauce, roast potatoes and sprouts or steak with chasseur sauce. Dessert: Christmas duff or Scotch trifle or Black Forest Gateau.

Almost forgot to mention coffee and mints. Liqueurs were mentioned. Aye, you’ll be banging on the gates to get in. Crackers and party hats supplied.