Drumlanrig: ‘Lucky old Alex Salmond is about to receive a gigantic Valentine Card’

Scott man’s up as Boris the Viking

As a good Shetlander, Tavish Scott (below) is always an enthusiastic participant at Up Helly Aa, the spectacularly boozy winter fire festival that sees islanders celebrate their Norse heritage.

Now back in parliament after the annual event, the former Scottish Lib Dem leader revealed that he was made to dress-up as Boris Johnson. This had less to do with the Lib Dems closeness to the Tories than the fact that the only other alternative offered to him was impersonating the Queen.

“This year’s Up Helly Aa had a Diamond Jubilee theme,” Scott explained, still nursing his headache.

Pillagers get there first at Holyrood canteen

Talk of Up Helly Aa reminded Holyrood regulars of the time a delegation of Shetlanders came to the parliament for an event recognising the island’s ancient customs.

The Up Helly Aa lads thoroughly enjoyed themselves in the Holyrood restaurant during their visit. But the invasion of northern warriors was trying for one member of staff, who was found close to tears outside the restaurant complaining that all the food and all the booze had been snaffled by “the Vikings”.

Roses are red … and Salmond is too

Lucky old Alex Salmond is about to receive a gigantic Valentine Card. An overwhelming romantic overture is to be made to the First Minister by the Equality Network.

Salmond is to be presented with the card on Valentine’s Day during a march at Holyrood in support of gay weddings.

The inscription inside the card will say: “Dear Alex, Be Our Valentine. Roses are white, Thistles are blue, We support equal marriage, And we hope the Scottish Government will too.”

Fair to say that Salmond’s wife Moira hasn’t got too much to be worried about.

The best and worst of finance debate

The Conservative finance spokesman Gavin Brown displayed a good turn of phrase during last week’s Budget, reprimanding SNP finance secretary John Swinney for “falling into the trap… of being wrong”.

An intervention from the SNP’s Chic “Elvis” Brodie was accepted by Brown and greeted with the invitation: “Do your worst Mr Brodie”.

After Brodie’s rather garbled contribution, Brown replied: “When I said do your worst, I didn’t mean that you should take me so literally.”