Dads should think about how to build resilience into family life – Dave Devenney

Find the time to talk about how you are feeling, says Dave Devenney

Dave Devenney, Director, Fathers Network Scotland

If you are anything like me and you hear the expression again “…these are unprecedented times…”, you’ll feel tempted to bark at the TV, click it off and go and make yourself a coffee. But, of course, in a real sense it’s completely true.

In the midst of the Covid-19 epidemic, social distancing and lockdown, it’s easy to feel disorientated, dislocated and anxious and it’s okay to admit that and be honest about it. Many of the social reference points that we have always taken for granted have been eroded and even removed. We’re seeing job losses and failing businesses, and we potentially face the prospect of yet another significant economic downturn. People we know have lost loved ones. Family life has changed and is still changing – home schooling, remote working and relationships are being put under considerable stress, bringing real potential for our mental and physical wellbeing to suffer.

At Fathers Network Scotland our ambition is to make Scotland the best place to be a dad. The Scottish Government has funded us to train health and service providers to check-in with dads about their mental health. We’re working with schools to encourage more father-inclusive practices, so that dads are able to get as involved as possible in their children’s school lives. We’re encouraging employers to offer equal parental leave opportunities to both new mums and dads. We’re promoting flexible working to allow fathers to take time to immerse themselves in family life without experiencing negativity in the workplace.

We do this by virtue of close partnership work with the Scottish Government and strategic partnerships across a vast national network. Like many other organisations we’re now conducting all of our work remotely, via social media, our dads’ WhatsApp group, video conferencing and our new text messaging support service. Parent Club (www.parentclub.scot) is also a useful resource offering support and encouragement to dads, children and their families. From tips for play and learning at home, keeping active and eating well to talking to your kids about coronavirus, advice comes from the trusted voices of other parents and is backed by experts and the Scottish Government. This resource is of vital importance, never more so than now.

Some years ago, at the height of the conflicts in both Iraq and Afghanistan I was a Commando trained chaplain with the Royal Marines. One of my main duties at that time was to encourage and support the Royal Marines I served with to build resilience into their family lives so that when they deployed abroad, often for long periods and in a hostile situation, they had ways to continue to nurture and support the ones they loved.

So, despite the military rhetoric we hear so often – ‘frontline’, ‘hidden enemy’ ‘combatting the virus’ – we are not at war, though at times we can feel under threat and in a hostile environment. How do we then as parents build resilience into our family life?

Even under normal circumstances, things like lack of sleep, downtime and changes to your routine are likely to put a strain on your wellbeing and create tension within the family. It isn’t always easy, but it is important to find the time to talk about how you’re feeling and about what’s going on. We all need a bit of support sometimes or just someone to listen to us, but you may worry about burdening others or about what they may think. Don’t be afraid to reach out to family, trusted friends, people you work with, professionals and community support groups. Tell them if you cannot sleep or relax; if you feel down or anxious; if your relationships are strained; if you feel that you cannot enjoy anything. Feeling like this is not unusual but it is important to get the help you need. Parent Club also provides tips on how to clear your head and highlights the practical things you can do to help you feel better.

Try to reduce your stress levels too. I realise this can sometimes be easier said than done. But by exercising when you can, cutting down on alcohol and eating healthy food, you will be looking after yourself and your family. It is also important to make time for the things you enjoy, even if it’s just taking in some deep breaths of fresh air or going for a walk in the great outdoors.

I hope some of these tips will give you the help and encouragement you need to ensure that you and your family get through the current situation remaining positive, safe and strong. You’ll find a wealth of support services in our directory at fathersnetwork.org.uk or of course, at parentclub.scot.

We’re all in this together, so don’t be afraid to reach out for the support you need.

Dave Devenney, Director, Fathers Network Scotland