Claire Gardner: Back to the good-old, bad-old days …

BACK in the Days of Yore, women had children and cooked and cleaned while men nobly trotted off to the office.

And after a gruelling day at work the men would be greeted by a smiling wife and cooing child, and tea would on the table. Goodness, how we laugh in the face of this anti-feminist set-up, which even just 50 years ago was the way family life usually worked.

Nowadays, some would say that women have it all – careers and cars and cocktails, with all that housewife stay-at-home stuff something to be scorned. While our mothers were busy having babies and cooking nice meals, we have been drinking, partying, working late, buying flats and outfits and feeling rather pleased with ourselves.

But suddenly, many women are hitting mid-to-late thirties and wondering where the husband and kid bit comes in. Then comes the frantic search for a suitable partner – work colleagues, internet dating, friends of friends – followed, usually, by the falling-in love and moving-in moment.

Then comes the inevitable C word … Children. And it is then that the cracks of our modern-day set-up begin to show. Mum-to-be gets maternity leave from work and finally the Big Day arrives and a child is born and everyone is very delighted.

Then baby and mum come home, and the reality of looking after a small child sinks in. Dad decides to cut short his paternity leave to escape the screaming and the chaos at home and enjoy a cappuccino in peace. And the new mum (while obviously being overwhelmed and amazed at her baby) is missing her work colleagues.

After six months there is a huge pressure for her to return to her job, so the child is enrolled in a nursery. Then the rows start over who is working longer hours, whose turn it is to cook and shop and clean and feed and bath the kid. And so the relationship starts to break down, and the well-ordered world of the past where men worked and women did the mummy stuff starts to make sense.

According to new research, many couples are caught in this parent trap and are finding that rather than bringing them together, children and the task of raising them are driving them apart. The study, by parenting website Netmums, found that couples with young children are now most likely to go their separate ways at the three-year mark rather than the traditional seven.

And the reasons? Experts say trying to juggle careers and parenting while struggling with changing gender roles is causing more relationships to fail. They also think the growing trend for “fast forward” partnerships as couples get together later in life, but spend less time getting to know each other before having children, is a factor.

All of this is probably true. Take the idea of having kids in later life. This means that both men and women have had many years to enjoy all the Before Kids perks such as Sunday morning lie-ins, a social life, full gym membership and brisk walks. So once the little darlings arrive on the scene, the shock to the system is immeasurable.

Then there is the age thing. The number of babies born to mothers over 40 has nearly trebled in the last 20 years, and the average age of mothers giving birth in 2010 was 29.5 compared with 26.4 in 1975. Being old and exhausted is no fun for anyone – this I know.

Then there is the whole issue of work. Many women have now experienced working life. These days, as the men trot off to work leaving a new mother and baby in the house, they are likely to get dogs abuse for taking the easy option.

Because let’s face it – if you’ve got a newborn baby with colic, then the prospect of spending nine hours in the office, whatever it is you’re doing, is positively glorious. You see friends, drink coffee and even get to pop to the loo in peace. And you get paid.

Finally, the nail in the coffin of our modern-day family arrangement (according to me) is men’s inability to multi-task. For many families who have chosen the joint-income option, it will generally always be the woman who ends up juggling working and looking after the kids, and running the house as well. And feeling mightily hacked off with having “wanted it all” but instead being landed with “doing it all”.

Meanwhile, the men are feeling mightily hacked off with being criticised for “not doing it all”. So what’s the answer to our modern-day family dilemma? Many relationship experts believe that we need to return to a more traditional role when women had children and cooked and cleaned while men nobly trotted off to the office. It’s either that, or get a nanny.