Claire Black: ‘Men are the runaway victors (damn, they’ll like that) when it comes to being competitive’

The fact is I’m simply rubbish at the game unless I cheat. But still, here I was amongst friends, so a match might be fun.

The teams were duly chosen, two against two, one mixed and the other all female.

“Who wants to break?”

The women did what women do and demurred. The man stepped forward with such eager purpose he almost knocked his teammate flying. Then he bent over, looked straight down the cue at the inviting triangle of red and yellow balls and muffed his shot so completely he managed to miss every single one of them and pot the white. It was almost a trick shot. Hilarious. And yet, not five minutes later, there he was, fully convinced, yet again, of his own prowess and driven by the need to win, instructing his teammate how to make a frankly impossible shot and looking crestfallen when, of course, she didn’t manage it.

What is it with men and winning?

I don’t usually indulge in such gender stereotyping, but men are the runaway victors (damn, they’ll like that) when it comes to being competitive.

I used to have a relative who spent several months learning the answers to two boxes of Trivial Pursuit questions so that the “entertainment” of Christmas 1986 consisted of him “destroying” anyone else he could browbeat into playing. I’ve seen fathers cheat against their children at Monopoly. I’ve seen husbands and wives fall out over Risk.

“But isn’t this supposed to be fun?” she asks, bemused.

“There’s nothing fun about losing,” he states grimly.

I’m only telling you this because during the coming weeks you’re probably going to have to play more games than you’ve had to endure in the rest of the year combined. I don’t know why we do it to ourselves. You’d think constant indigestion, an almost permanent low-level hangover and extraordinarily bad television was punishment enough.

You’ll probably be fine though. You might even enjoy it. But if there are any men aged between 45 and 54 in your household, I suggest you exercise caution. A study just published by psychologists at the University of Oregon showed that they are the most competitive. This means that they are the ones most likely to change the rules as they play, to insist (if they’re losing) that the game goes on (until they win) even if three of the participants have fallen asleep. They are also the ones who will most likely, when they have finally, inevitably won, and a disgruntled member of the opposition questions their methods, utter the phrase, “What are you getting so upset about? It’s only a game.” (Even typing that gave me the urge to punch something.)

I don’t have a solution really. Banning all games seems draconian. Banning all men, discriminatory. But I offer you this Quentin Crisp adage to help you feel better about losing, even to a victory-obsessed cheater. “If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.” Stick that in your Pictionary winner’s cup and choke on it.