Claire Black: Kardashian net bid hits rock bottom

Kim Kardashian West: 'inflated, pneumatic and weirdly unsexy'. Photograph: Getty Images
Kim Kardashian West: 'inflated, pneumatic and weirdly unsexy'. Photograph: Getty Images
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I’M NOT being modest when I say greater minds than mine have been applied to the problem of Kim Kardashian West.

As in the problem of what she does. I’ve never seen a second of her reality TV programme, nor am I one of her 24.5 million followers on Twitter. I’ve never bought a product she endorses, at least I hope I haven’t, because I don’t know what she endorses. It seems to me that all she punts is herself. I mean, her forthcoming “art book” is a 352-page collection of her selfies, titled, Selfish.

Do I sound snooty? That’s what people, especially women columnists – and Piers Morgan – seem to say about anyone who has the temerity to criticise Kardashian. They say she is lambasted for doing things that others get away with. And it’s true there are enough vacuous nonentities with bizarrely proportioned bodies in the fashion world to keep us all in click-bait and blame-fodder forever. But praising Kardashian because she’s made loads of money and has a large backside seems to me if not wilfully obtuse, certainly depressing.

The latest KKW furore is about a series of photographs shot for the magazine, Paper. Taken by Jean-Paul Goude, the man who shot the iconic image of Grace Jones used on the cover of her album Island Life, they include more than one image in which she’s naked, oiled up and digitally manipulated. She looks like a steroid-injected turkey a few days before Christmas. She is inflated, pneumatic, weirdly unsexy. The idea was to “break the internet” and in a way I wish it had worked because then I wouldn’t have had to read Morgan write that the photographs are images that deserve comparison to, “Man landing on the Moon, Mandela walking free from his prison cell, and Derek Jeter’s winning hit in his last game at Yankee Stadium”.

It seems even the people who purport to be on KKW’s side have a worrying attitude towards her, like the commentator who wrote: “It’s the most famous arse in the world, primarily because of the incredibly savvy business woman it is attached to.” Got that? Yes, you’re right, in there is the suggestion that even without said savvy business woman, Kim Kardashian West’s arse could be famous. On its own. Just a giant, rotund pair of flaccid buttocks demanding global attention.

I don’t want to have a pop at Kardashian, she’s got enough on her plate. A mother who talked her into her first nude photoshoot, a dead father who is remembered for being OJ Simpson’s lawyer, a husband who perpetually looks like he’s about to have a tantrum and an arse that’s seems about to launch its own career. But as to the lovers who think they’re shaming the haters by celebrating all she does, I don’t think so. She’s got tons of cash but she’s still sticking out her oiled butt on a magazine cover for everyone to gawp at. I can think of better, easier, more satisfying ways to make a living.

Choice of attire is a grey area

FACEBOOK founder Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey T-shirt every day because he doesn’t want to waste his time on frivolous activities such as choosing what outfit to wear of a morning. “I really want to clear my life to make it so that I have to make as few decisions as possible about anything except how to best serve the community,” he said, sounding like a sartorially challenged, virus-ridden droid heading for either world domination or the scrapheap. He’s not alone. Steve Jobs did the old black turtleneck and Levi’s for decades. Nick Clegg has been wearing the same navy Jaeger suit and yellow tie since he first appeared on live debates and people mistakenly thought he was a nice guy.

In a way I get it. There is a reason why holidays are fun. It’s because you only have a fifth of the clothes that you own so you don’t have to stand paralysed in front of the wardrobe every morning, baffled by choice and still perplexed as to why you thought cords were a good idea. But what works on holiday does not work for everyday life. So I say get a life Zuckerberg, if you’d spend a bit more time thinking about what you wear, I’d have to spend less time waiting for my friends to stop reading their Facebook timeline to actually speak to me.

Go wild in your wellies

IT HAS been revealed that a third of parents don’t find taking their children out fun. And one of the most common reasons given for not spending more time outdoors was how long it takes to get kids ready. Suddenly it becomes clear why so many adverts shown during kids’ TV programmes stress the “exercise” component of the toy they’re flogging. Two weird balloon things that inflate with a foot-pump to get kids “working out”. A console that’s basically a rip-off of the Nintendo Wii will get your little ones “more active”. This makes me despair. It takes about 90 seconds to put on an anorak and a pair of wellies. Get outside, you lumpen fools. «