Brexit the movie? I’d prefer Braveheart II with Nicola Sturgeon – Helen Martin

A future Theresa May biopic would surely not have a happy ending. Picture: Getty
A future Theresa May biopic would surely not have a happy ending. Picture: Getty
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MAJOR historical events often inspire blockbuster movies – Braveheart, Dunkirk, Titanic, The Wind That Shakes The Barley. Yet it’s been highly unlikely that Brexit will do the same.

The most fascinating aspect of this international “adventure” is the chaotic shambles, the absolute chaos, the extent of delusion, the massively wide range of political opinions, the repetitive votes, the ineffectiveness of both leading Westminster parties, and the almost inevitable destruction of the UK.

To summarise, edit and precis the long, drawn out, political, insane process (following a referendum result based on over-optimism, lies, unachievable promises and fanciful dreams thwarted by reality) in order to accommodate the story in a two-hour movie, is impossible.

The only film that could ever come from this would be a Theresa May biopic, the story of one woman who thought she alone was capable of coming up with an escape deal with which a union of 26 other countries would agree and the House of Commons would pass with a supportive majority. In which case the last scene before the credits may well show her in an asylum.

Old-fashioned, right-wing, control-obsessed, upper class Tories (many of whom are extremely rich) are increasingly out of step with not only the British public but all the countries of the EU.

So, another option would be a satirical comedy, but since the closest parallel to Tories are US Republicans (old-fashioned, control-obsessed, right-wing, rich etc), it couldn’t be produced by Hollywood. They do simple, Yankee humour, not satire.

However, there are now some real signs that May’s totally-belated, down to the wire, Brexit plans could fail and some happier ending might emerge with European Free Trade Area or European Economic Area membership.

For many, the happiest would simply be completely remaining in the EU, but unless the Tory Party collapses, the People’s Vote wins through somehow and produces a massive majority, that’s Dreamland.

It’s hard to understand how Conservatives, particularly those in England (whether they are old-fashioned, right-wing, control obsessed and rich etc, or aged, working-class, poor, delusional patriots) still seem to see “Great Britain” as an empirical, international power.

The UK is a small island off the west of Europe. The wealth gap between rich and poor has grown so fast it has a two-tier culture. It’s industry and production was squashed years ago by Margaret Thatcher. Without Europe, it would unofficially come under the western power of the US and be forced to import hormone boosted cattle and chlorinated chicken, neither subject to decent animal care regulations.

If Scotland pushed for and won independence and EU membership, England and Wales, along with a few counties in Northern Ireland, would be an even smaller Britain. How can anyone, even Tories, think this is a good time to leave the EU?

The EU has been tolerant, patient, and offered a long extension if both necessary and justified. They are behaving like Samaritans, trying to help a country avoid suicide.

If the result is a May deal or a no-deal, even those who voted NO in the indyref will probably change their mind. That opens the door for a better major event movie option, made in a new Scottish film studio and appealing to international audiences – Braveheart II: The Victorious Nicola Sturgeon.

Shielding child abusers is not lordly

LORD David Steel, the former Scottish leader of the Liberal Party, has told an inquiry into child sexual abuse that paedophile MP Cyril Smith confessed that accusations of his abuse of young boys, in a care home in the 1960s, were true.

Mr Steel (forget ‘Lord’) said it didn’t even cross his mind to report or investigate Smith’s admission because, although he disapproved of it, the assaults had happened over a decade earlier.

Well, there were further such accusations against Smith in the 1980s. Yet in 1988, Steel recommended Smith for a knighthood. Smith died in 2010.

Steel insists his decision to keep schtum was correct and he would do the same if something similar happened now. Surely there should be charges for withholding information about criminal child abuse – let alone declaring he’d do it again.

He’s already been suspended by his party. Now it’s time such offensive lords were stripped of their titles.

A dog’s life is beckoning for cruel owner

A woman in Musselburgh was fined only £360 for neglecting her dog and cat so much they were starving, covered in sores, infested with fleas and seriously ill. The cat had to be put down. A higher fine or jail sentence seems more appropriate to me, if not to sheriffs.

She was named in court. I won’t repeat it again but I hope locals around her know who she is and, without risking themselves by attacking her or doing anything criminal, refuse to speak to her or even acknowledge her existence.

Better for all if she moved out of the neighbourhood – and nowhere near me.

Do the math – people want more control

LOCAL Government Secretary Aileen Campbell told a seminar in Edinburgh that communities across Scotland want their councils to treat them in a more respectful way, offering them a say on big projects, services such as bin collections, and generally giving them more empowerment and control.

Well done, but I hope her consultation didn’t cost any public money. The results are as obvious as 2+2=4.

You’re having a laugh over room

FRINGE organisers want locals to offer spare rooms to performers. I presume the organisers are comics. Ha ha! Here’s the punchline. No.