Love and money

Love may well be all around, in the air and, occasionally, a battlefield. But, as Jennifer Lopez once trilled, it don't cost a thing. Which may explain why, in these trying times, internet matchmakers are seeing a surge in hopeful singles with a GSOH seeking romance with a BFF and perhaps some PDAs while they're at it. (For the uninitiated, that's best friends forever and public displays of affection.)

Match.com, the world's largest online agency, has reported its strongest fourth quarter in the last seven years. And almost every other online site is seeing a similar rise. So why, when unemployment is up to two million, we owe 53 billion on credit cards and retail sales have fallen to their lowest figures in 14 years, are we becoming more obsessed with finding the perfect partner? Can we still afford to be soft-hearted about romance but hard-hearted about cash? And what are the modern protocols when it comes to love and money?

Industry insiders say the increased traffic on singles sites is no real surprise, since online dating is a relatively inexpensive way to meet people. Some experts also believe that during difficult periods singles seek the comfort and security of loving relationships. "At a time when money is scarce or uncertain, when people are assessing their priorities, they don't want to go through it alone," says Pepper Schwartz, a professor of sociology and the relationship expert at Perfectmatch.com, which had a 51% increase in new members in the last quarter compared with the same time a year ago. "When you're not sure what's coming at you, love seems all the more important."

There may, however, be a more practical explanation. Today's online romantics don't see relationships through rose-tinted spectacles, and economics play an important part in the search for love in a harsh economic climate. While one and one may make two, there are all sorts of other sums to take into consideration.

Compare what you might spend on trying to pull a new partner down the pub, for instance, and it could make the fees for online dating seem a downright bargain. Consider the taxis and a few drinks for starters – before you know it, you could have parted with the best part of 25. Even if you are simply sitting preening yourself at the bar waiting for Mr Right or Ms Perfect to shimmy your way and cough up for your cosmopolitan, it could set you back a tenner if they don't show.

And, for the ladies, what about those new clothes, the make-up and maybe a trip to the hairdresser? Then take the total cost and multiply it by the number of times you need to go out before you find The One, and it's no wonder you're skint before payday comes round. Fees for online dating, on the other hand, hover at just over 20 for a month or around 60 for a six-month stint. And even better for the cash-conscious dater, some sites are actually free (although you might find yourself having to stump up for hidden costs once you sign up).

Online dating has been part of the singles scene since the first sites started springing up in 1994. Consumer guide Which? featured more than 40 in a recent report on the industry, and there are many more out there, catering for all manner of tastes – from those traditional types seeking friendship with a view to romance to those with, shall we say, more specialist requirements. With around 30 million people using them worldwide, and with people becoming more savvy about safety when actually meeting up, the industry has also lost much of the stigma it once had. In fact, for millions it is seen as the most practical option. "I started using an online site to get back into the dating game after being in a relationship for three years," says Alison Goldie, a 30-year-old local authority administrator. "It worked well and I have been in touch with some really nice men. Most of them seem to be looking for relationships, whereas I am just keen to go on dates to see who's out there. I want to have some fun."

But when times are tough and every pound is a prisoner, how do couples deal with that trickiest of romantic dilemmas – the bill? And can modern women put aside their desire for gender equality when their purses are empty and their stomachs are rumbling? "I've been in touch with more than ten men online and have been out with three so far," says Goldie. "All three paid for the first date – two for dinner and drinks, one for drinks."

The dinner dates, she explains, were at the suggestion of the men – one lawyer and one who runs his own design company. "At first I felt a bit embarrassed that they were willing to pay for a night out, but I couldn't afford a meal out in a restaurant for myself, let alone offer to pay the whole bill. It seemed important to the lawyer that I knew he could afford it and that the money didn't matter – the bill was 94.

"And I did make it clear from the start that there were no strings – and no promises of anything else." Well that's a relief.

There seems to be something about first dates that causes men and women alike to revert into old-fashioned gender stereotypes. "Paying for meals and drinks is something I have always done when I go out with a girl," agrees Adrian Graham. "And I certainly wouldn't stop doing that just because we met online. I don't want to seem like a cheapskate."

Indeed, even taking an intimate – if expensive – little dinner deux into consideration, he believes the online approach is still the cheaper option in the long run. "You can find out so much about each other before you even meet. You can ask questions you would never ask face to face – about their expectations, what kind of men they like – and so you have a better idea of what the person is like before you commit to a date. You haven't paid for three or four dates before you get to all that sort of stuff, only to find out that she never wants children, or that she wants them within a year."

There are millions of online encounters every week around the world – many asking those sorts of direct, intimate questions before they will even consider meeting up. There weren't quite so many during the last economic downturn, in 2001, but Duane Dahl, chief executive of Perfectmatch.com, notes there was a spike in interest similar to what the industry is seeing now. For instance, he says, the strong results his company saw in the third and fourth quarters of 2008 were consistent with 2001 numbers. "During recessions people stay at home more, they don't want to pay and go to bars. They're going online to meet each other," says Markus Frind, chief executive of Plentyoffish.com, where visits have increased 77% from December 2007 to December 2008, and 32% over the last three months.

Meanwhile, those logging on these days seem a much more frugal crowd than singles of the past, and the selection criteria for potential partners are showing initial signs of shifting as a result of the recession. While 'marriage' and 'children' were always popular key words, during this period last year Plentyoffish.com users mentioned the word 'job' in their profiles 5.5% of the time. This year, that number has risen to 7.7%. Many other sites report similar increases in the number of those who want to be sure any potential date is gainfully employed before committing themselves to a date. The only surprise is that the number isn't even higher.

"Typically, we always see an increase in traffic in the beginning of a year," adds Matt Tatham, a media analyst at Hitwise, an online measurement company. "People are looking for some change in their life. This year is different than in years past. Because of the economy there are a lot of people who are out of work and have free time and can spend more time online going to dating sites."

Economics also have a part to play in the dates themselves, and people are becoming even more up-front about it. You can let your date know exactly what you expect before either of you commit. One Match.com entry was quite straightforward: "Looking for a date for dinner, Dutch treat." Not terribly romantic, perhaps, but at least it means there would be no nasty surprises when it came to the bill.

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