Jokes to help you beat the January blues

If you're feeling particularly down in the dumps, it must be Blue Monday

The credit card limit is burst, pay day at the end of the month feels like an age away, the weather is glum, and the summer holiday adverts are tempting but too expensive.

No wonder today is Blue Monday, the day which brings a perfect storm of debt misery and general melancholy mixed with almost certain dreary weather and ages until Easter and the next spate of holidays.

As if that’s not bad enough, it’s also Divorce Monday, the most popular day of the year for starting divorce proceedings, with twice as many divorces being filed this month compared to the next busiest, post-holiday season in September.

And, to add to our woes, it’s when many of us realise that, despite the office Christmas party, we actually really do hate our jobs.

The good news, though is that having a good old laugh in the face of adversity can really help – not just by lifting our spirits, it can even settle high blood pressure and improve our body’s immune function.

You’ve got to laugh...even if your bank manager is sobbing for mercy, you left your diet at the chip shop last night and that resolution to exercise more in 2015 was just too much hard work. So cheer up folks, help is at hand with our selection of perhaps not the most hilarious jokes you’ll ever read, but theymight raise a smile…

“What did the cheese say when he looked in the mirror? Halloumi.” Hayley Matthews, presenter of The Fountainbridge Show on STV Edinburgh.

“People say I have no will power but I’ve quit smoking loads of times.” Kai Humphries, comedian at The Stand Comedy Club, York Place.

Courtesy of Twitter, @Hoots_man has this #bluemonday offering: “Tortoise got jumped by four snails. When asked for a description, it replied: ‘I don’t know. It all happened so quick’.”

“In a field of cows which one’s on holiday? The one with the wee calf.” Allan Brooks via Edinburgh Evening News Facebook.

“The urge to sing ‘the lion sleeps tonight’ is never more than a whim away.” Gow Wallis, via Facebook.

“I met this lovely Dutch girl with inflatable shoes. I gave her a call to ask her out but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs…”

Professor Ewan Gillon, clinical director at First Psychology Edinburgh

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? A: of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump!

Nicky Pender – chief executive officer of ASME (Association for the Study of Medical Education)

“How many PR people does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Three. One to change the bulb and two to write the holding statement and news release.

Samantha McKay-Challen, account manager at Niche Works Marketing & PR.

Long-distance runner and health campaigner Dr Andrew Murray has hours of solitude on the open road to ponder life’s mysteries. No excuse then for this one: “Did you hear about the cockle who went to the seafood disco? She pulled a mussel.”

“Two goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other and says ‘how do you drive this thing?’.”

Edinburgh Evening News columnist and comedian Susan Morrison.

“How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb? One. And four to sing about how good the last one was!”

Award- winning author of The Last Tiger, Tony Black, whose Tartan Noir genre work The Ringer is about to get its world stage premiere.

Artist and freelance graphic designer Mark Fearn (markfineart.moonfruit.com) suggests: “Have you heard about corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.”

John Neil Munro, who penned When George Came to Edinburgh (Birlinn £9.99) about George Best’s Hibs days and Lust for Life about Irvine Welsh: “Ninety nine out of every 100 Scottish men have fallen over drunk at some time... what a staggering statistic.”