John Gibson: All the way from Warsaw to Porty

SO it's not exactly Turnberry. And we're not talking Tom Watson. Portobello Golf Club's a different bag altogether.

A book has materialised regardless. Czeslaw Kruk has sent me one of the 500 copies of 155 Years of Golf in Portobello.

"It may not interest you but it least it has a nice cover," his accompanying letter says. Fancy publishing a book in Warsaw about Porty, and in a flashy Hibernian green at that, just to secure a couple of pars in this column.

Foreword by our golf specialist Martin Dempster and the folk providing moral and practical support include John "Antiques" Dixon, Kirkwoods of Albany Street and the club itself.

I first met Czeslaw in Leith at a Bastille Day banquet at Daniel's Bistro. He made doubly sure of the plug by informing me his wife's a Leither. Ten out of ten for effort.

Clued up

What was it your granny used to say? Where there's life there's hope. It's encouraging, then, to have grand old hoofer Lionel Blair, pushing 80, come back to the London stage on August 13 with his tap and chat show.

Damn sight more entertaining, I'll bet, than most of the alleged "comedians" booked for the Fringe. Upstarts who virtually have to drop their trousers in desperation for laughs at jokes as thin as Madonna's arms.

Which reminds me, it must be time to wheel out Nicholas Parsimonious again. Older, even, than the lovely Lionel.

Chew on this

It could be I'm seeing too many cud-munchers in the city centre restaurants I'm frequenting these days. Most of them are two-legged and peep-toed.

The real food snobs are those chefs and noshers who recoil like you're leprous when you ask for a well-done steak (or in my case, even medium-to-well) along with the obligatory onion rings, fries and ketchup.

I can't abide the sight of blood on a plate. To the kitchen Gestapo, I say stick your spurtles where the sun don't shine.

Afterwords . .

. . spewed from roustabout rocker Iggy Pop: "My theory is that Jesus was probably a raving party animal. I think he was stoned a lot of the time, and he's been whitewashed by various bureaucracies and translations."