Janet Christie: ‘Write things that make me look good’

YOUNGEST Child has objected to Mum’s the Word.

“You have to stop writing about me. It’s not fair. It’s embarrassing. And people at my school are forced to read it. From now on you only write what I allow.”

She takes control of the keyboard.

Youngest Child’s collunm rules [sic].

Only write about things that make me look good.

Funny and stupid things about my brothers are allowed.

You can write about girly times we have – when we do our nails and watch Corrie.

No writing about things that make me look bad, like if I get angry or upset or im badly behaved.

You can’t say any jokes because there all terrible.

You cant put any bad words in because its again imbarrasing.

And you ESPECIALLY cant take a pic of yourself and put it on the collunm.

Back to me and I consult her about this column’s content. I want to write about Eldest Child’s new washing up rota and how much I hate it. Youngest Child doesn’t ever do any dishes – “I’d be a complete fail at that”, she always says as she brushes crumbs away from her mouth and leaves.

It should comply with the new rules. No jokes, showing her up, or usage of the word “vagina”. Is Youngest happy?

No. “You can’t write a column about the rota,” she says, “because I wouldn’t be in it. And I am the star. Not you.”