Janet Christie: “I didn’t give anyone the finger”

Middle Child has a book report to write. He sits at the kitchen table, overwhelmed, sad. “Get on with it,” I say, encouraging.

“I haven’t read any books.”

“What about The Mighty Boosh book I gave you?”

“Oh yeah. Was that a book?”

Bizarre, random … just like his home life.

Youngest pas de bas into view. “David Cameron,” she announces. “I hate him.”

Eldest arrives. “Do I have a small head?” he asks, unwisely.

“No,” I say.

“It is small,” says Youngest Child. Eldest disappears, hands pressed to head, gauging it like a melon.

Youngest cackles. “That driver today, you should have given them the finger,” she says.

“I should not!”

“You did last time.”

Middle Child looks up. He’s written the title.

“She only gave them the finger because they gave it to her first,” he says.

“I didn’t give anyone the finger.”

“Can we adopt a pet online?” asks Youngest.

“No.”

“A narwhal?”

“What?”

She sings: “ ‘It swims round the ocean, creates a commotion…’ ”

“Ok.”

“Changed my mind. A dog.”

“I like the narwhal,” I say. “ ‘Swims round the ocean …’ ”

“Mum! You know you’re not allowed to sing.”

“Finished!” says Middle. He’s done 500 words. How did that happen?