Road test: We drive the Ferrari California to California (Falkirk)

“Mister, is that a Ferrari California?” asks an urchin from across the street.

“It is,” I reply. “You know your cars.”

“Is that why you’re taking pics of it here? Cos it’s a California and we’re in California?”

“Ten out of ten.”

The boy punches the air in celebration and runs off, glancing over his shoulder with every fifth step to make certain the car is still there.

Five minutes later, he is back, a posse of friends trailing in his wake. One of them swigs from a bottle of something fizzy that’s sure to stain if spilled, another wears a mix of mucus and lollipop shrapnel. Then the big lad – because there’s always a big lad – teeters into view on a child’s scooter that’s five sizes too small.

Now-now gents, give the car some space. Park your scooter over there – WAY over there – and afford the shimmering Blu Tour de France paintwork the respect it deserves. And don’t, whatever you do, get any of that carbonated gut-rot on the Blu Scuro premium leather upholstery. The cross-stitching on the seats and doors is a £4,152 option, dontcha know?

They don’t know, and they don’t care. They’re not even listening. They are snot-faced, sweet-covered moths, and the Ferrari is their flame. Welcome to California, California.

HOME COUNTIES, 24 HOURS EARLIER

“Welcome to Slough Trading Estate,” sniggers the taxi driver as he whisks Scotsman Motors’ two-man team from Heathrow to the heart of David Brent country. “It’s every bit as exciting as it looks,” he adds, sweeping a dismissive hand towards some low-rise industrial units and cursing at the traffic lights.

“It’s not really the sort of place you’d expect to find a Ferrari,” he continues. Then, with a mixture of mockery and pity, he adds: “And definitely not the sort of place you’d want to spend all day driving a Ferrari. What a waste!”

Time to nip his sneering tone in the bud. “We’re not here to drive a Ferrari round Slough. We’re driving it to California.”

That’s put his gas at a peep. He wants an explanation but, before we can elaborate, we’re at the front door of Ferrari North Europe’s GB HQ. Ciao!

THE BACK DOOR OF FERRARI NORTH EUROPE’S GB HQ, SOME MINUTES LATER

Behold the Ferrari California. A 2+2 convertible grand tourer built with the track in its DNA and continent-crossing capers in mind. It looks fantastic, sounds heavenly, and goes like stink. But I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know: you’ve already pored over the pictures and glanced at the stat panel and made up your own mind.

So here’s a fresh angle for you: Ferrari’s people have just spent the best part of half an hour extolling the blue car’s green virtues. Not even the world’s most famous maker of exotic cars is immune to environmental pressures, and Ferrari is eager to let the world know it’s doing its bit.

A stop-start system, a host of measures to improve engine efficiency, copious use of weight-reducing aluminium and that slippery Coke-bottle profile mean this fire-breather’s 4.3-litre V8 engine will return 21.5mpg on the combined cycle. It’s no Prius, but it doesn’t deserve to be hounded out of a Friends of the Earth convention either.

A 17-gallon tank gives a theoretical range of 360 miles and, according to its sat-nav, Slough to California is 420 miles. That’s California, near Falkirk, not the one in America. Oh, hang on, you didn’t think… did you?

“Reckon we could do that on a single tank?” I ask nobody in particular but, to be honest, I’m not expecting an answer. The idea has already formed in my head. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the First And Quite Possibly Final Scotsman Motors Ferrari Fuel Economy Road Trip! Set the cruise control to no more than 70 and prepare to amble.

This isn’t as daft as it sounds. Motorways are dull at any speed and our fuel allowance is limited. Besides, we’re in a Ferrari. Why rush? Let’s put the folding hard-top roof down and wave to the peasants while they gawk.

STUCK IN TRAFFIC, SLOUGH

The roof is still up. Drizzle. A shop window gives us a chance to admire the car’s reflection. The curves, the rich blue paintwork and contrasting silver roof (a £4,800 option) look fabulous.

“I’d have this over a red one,” I tell my raffish co-worker.

“Yeah. I wouldn’t be seen dead in a red one. Common.”

OXFORD SERVICES, M40

The Ferrari’s nose has cleared the kerb in the service station car park by a millimetre. Just as well, since the carbon-fibre front wing that lives behind the number plate is a £3,400 tick in the options box. Still, that’s better than kerbing the diamond-polished 20-inch wheels. They cost more than £8,200.

The rain has stopped and the car’s thermometer says 9C. Cold, but not that cold. Roof down.

WARWICK SERVICES, M40

Roof up. It’s raining again. We managed 40 al fresco miles. Shorn of its lid, the Ferrari sounds fabulous, even with a light right foot.

TOLLBOOTH, M6 TOLL ROAD

SNAAAAAARLLLL! The Ferrari’s sub-four-second 0-60 time is confirmed as we re-take our place in the traffic after paying five quid to avoid Birmingham. Mindful of our mission to get to Scotland on a single tank, we settle the prancing horse into a 70mph canter.

WHO KNOWS WHERE, M6

“I’ve just checked the options list. We’ve got titanium exhaust trims. £1,900,” my swotty passenger informs me. “Really? Anything else?” “Yup. See the yellow rev counter? £452. The rear diffuser is nearly five grand.”

“What’s a rear diffuser?”

“Carbon-fibre fins at the back. They help with airflow.”

“Oh. Better watch where we’re reversing then. Wouldn’t want to scuff those.”

“Don’t worry. We’ve got reversing cameras. £2,268.”

“That’s twice as much as I paid for my first car.”

“What was it?”

“My big sister’s Austin Metro.”

ON THE M6, NEAR WIGAN

“That’s 200 miles covered since Sluff. Nearly halfway home.”

“How’s the fuel?”

“About half a tank.”

“Hmmmm.”

“Comfy though, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. Not what I thought 200 miles in a Ferrari would feel like. My bum’s not numb and my ears aren’t bleeding.”

TEBAY SERVICES, M6

At some point near Lancaster, as darkness stalks us up the motorway, we do some sums and decide the Ferrari will definitely, definitely, DEFINITELY make it all the way to California on a single tank if we drive very carefully for the next 150 miles.

Partly to celebrate this magnificent achievement, but mostly because we don’t trust our own sums, we stop for petrol, just to be on the safe side.

California, near Falkirk, the following morning

“How fast is it?”... “I’m told it’ll do 193mph” … “Wooooaahhhh! Is it yours?” … “Ummmm...” … What’s your job? … “Test pilot” … “How much is it?” … “Two hundred and two thousand, two hundred and two pounds” … “Woooooaahhh!” … “And ninety-nine pence” … “Whit?” … “I know. You’d think they’d just round it up by a penny.”

But the boys don’t want to discuss Ferrari pricing policy. They want a shot in it. We mumble about insurance and parental consent and shake our heads for fully five minutes until they get the message.

The big lad consoles himself by telling anyone who will believe him that “he’ll be getting one anyway as soon as he’s old enough to drive”. Then he challenges us to a drag race along the main street. Us in the Ferrari, him on his titchy scooter.

“Doon the hill and feenush wi’ a lap of the roundabout at Church Road. I’ll beat ye’s.”

And with that, he’s gone, careering 200 yards down the hill past the primary school, before lapping the roundabout in a manner so deft, you can’t help but think he’s done this sort of thing before. As he begins his return journey up the hill, one arm aloft in triumph, we’re already disappearing into the California sunset in the opposite direction.

VITAL STATS

CAR: Ferrari California

PRICE: £146,690 (£202,202.99 as tested)

EMISSIONS: 270g/km

PERFORMANCE: Max speed 193mph; 0-60mph 4.0s

FUEL CONSUMPTION: 21.5mpg (although we eked it out to 25mpg)