No one tells a joke like Glasgow's Billy Connolly
We compiled some of "The Big Yin's" finest jokes, observations and quips - here are 25 of his finest lines:
There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter. Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesnt try it on. A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand. Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace. A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. Can you describe the symptoms to me? Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!' I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound. Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and youll have the time of your life! A lot of people say its a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words but I still prefer f***. Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time? What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find? Ive always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think its bollocks. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you. A fart is just your arse applauding. When people say its always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after youve found it? If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they cant have a headache and sex at the same time? Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was How are you getting on?' So have you heard about the oyster who went to a club and pulled a mussel? Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning that can keep me awake for days. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the f*** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? Im actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white. Im a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You dont eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home. [On the failed Glasgow terrorist attack] I saw the whole thing on the news in New York and I thought Id need an ambulance. Ive never laughed liked it. F***ing eejits. "I've got Parkinson's Disease. I wish he'd f*cking kept it."