Great jokes have been heard in the venues of Edinburgh this August. As the festival draws to a close, Tom Dickson selects the best
WATCHING the global financial crisis unfold is like watching my Dad being molested by a clown. I know it's going to affect me, I'm just not entirely sure how
Adam Hills – Inflatable, Assembly Rooms
To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!
Marcus Brigstocke – God Collar, Assembly Halls
We all know Jesus was a carpenter, but he never actually sang on any of their records.
Mark Walker: Scorpio, Gilded Balloon,
My girlfriend's mum's got quite a lot of crucifixes in her house. She's a proper northerner though, she's got three that get bigger as they go up the wall.
Rob Rouse: My Family . . . and the Dog that Scared Jesus, Pleasance Courtyard
We think jokes have gone PC-mad, sorry . . . "mentally ill"
Lady Garden, Pleasance Courtyard
My girlfriend thinks we've got the latest top of the range sat nav, she doesn't know it's me . . .
Ventriloquist Paul Zerdin: Sponge Fest, Underbelly
Before he died, my Grandfather gave me some sound advice. "Invest in some speakers."
Jonathan Broke of Comedy Bitch, Underbelly
I play the ukulele for the same reason that I go for a certain type of man – it's small, cheap and pretty much anyone can pick it up.
Lady Carol, Tomorrow is My Turn, Pleasance Over the road
One night, I was having dinner with a girlfriend. I ordered fish, offered her some and she said: "Oh, I don't eat fish because I'm a Pisces."
I said: "Wow, because I don't eat scorpions."
She was like: 'Oh, because you're a Scorpio?'
I said: 'No. They're poisonous."
Celia Pacquola: Am I Strange, Gilded Balloon
I'm a member of the gym in the same way that North Korea is a member of the UN. I'm rarely there, and when I am I make a mockery of the place.
Matt Green. Truth & Pleasure, Pleasance Hut
We are not defined by our day jobs, but we are judged by them. Take Hitler for instance, he was an extremely talented artist and yet he is doomed to be remembered only for his day job. As a genocidal maniac.
Bridget Christie: My Daily Mail Hell, Gilded Balloon
Everyone is worried about curing Aids and cancer but it's actually mortality that is killing us.
Someone asked me if I miss casual sex. I've been in a relationship for four years, sex doesn't get any more casual that what we've got.
Jason John Whitehead, Emotional Whitemale, The Stand
There's been cheating ever since God created Heaven and Earth in six days, then submitted an invoice for seven.
They say there's no "i" in "team"... well, there's also no "we" in "rich".
Why did Douglas Hogg spend 2,000 pounds of taxpayers' money to clean his moat? Because he didn't have the nerve to buy a dragon.
Jeff Kreisler's Get Rich Cheating, The Stand
Hedgehogs – why can't they just share the hedge?
I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't.
Dan Antolpolski, Silent But Deadly, Pleasance Dome
A Catholic priest, a Jewish rabbi and a Muslim imam were stranded on a desert island – thereby making the world a safer place for us all to live.
Jo Caulfield, Won't Shut Up!, The Stand
Social services are trying to blame me for my little boy being out of control. How can it possibly be my fault? I'm hardly ever there.
I went to Manchester, it's a little bit backward there, they've got a Gay Village, in London we let them live where they like.
I used to start so many fights at school but I had attention deficit disorder so I didn't finish a lot of them.
Simon Brodkin as Lee "Nelsy" Nelson, Pleasance Courtyard
I've got a big extended family. They're like my normal family only taller.
Des Clarke: Clarxism, Pleasance Courtyard
My motto is never apologise, never explain. Sorry, I should point out that I got that from a book.
Hoult's Carnival Of Monsters, Pleasance Courtyard
When the Obamas got in a lot of people said they'd be the new Kennedys. My first thought was no one can replace Karl and Susan.
Fergus Craig Still Watches Neighbours, Pleasance Courtyard
North Korea is actually called the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. Though I have found that if they need to put the word democratic in the title, it usually means it isn't.
I hope Channel 4 and Channel 5 don't merge. I think that woukd be like like letting slow cousins breed.
Danielle Ward Lies, Pleasance Courtyard
A friend of mine told me she has swine flu yesterday. It turned out it was actually wine flu she was suffering from – she had had a touch of the Riojas, Shirazzed all over the bath-room, and then she Chateau Neuf de Pape.
Topping and Butch, Twisted, The Stand 3
ON THE TRAMS
IT'S nice to know they are good for something: the city's tram works provided a rich seam for Fringe comics this year:
Megrahi should have been imprisoned in Edinburgh and then given compassionate release – but on the condition he gets to the airport by tram.
The tram is going to run from Leith to the airport – who in Leith goes on holiday?
Frank Skinner's Credit Crunch Cabaret, Assembly@George Street
I was walking down Princes Street today. Or "Ground Zero" as it's now known.
Ro Campbell in Wild Colonial Boys, The Stand
I discovered that the tram building project has a Facebook page. And 76 people have added themselves as "fans"! Whose life is so empty that they want to be "fans" of a building project? Today I've been mainly inconveniencing pedestrians and annoying taxi drivers . . . LOL!
Matt Green in Truth and Pleasure, Pleasance Hut
You have to watch out for the tram police. Personally, I find it difficult to take the tram police seriously because their name is very similar to 'trampoline'. It's disappointing, I'll be on a tram and my friend will say: "Oh, tram police," and I'll be like "Yay!! Oh, dammit." Plus, they don't like it if you jump on them.
Celia Pacquola in Am I Strange? Gilded Balloon
If Edinburgh council really wanted to get people from Leith to the airport, why didn't they just move the methadone clinic to Terminal One?
Jeff O'Boyle in The Silence of The Trams, The Stand Comedy Club 3 and 4