Lifelines: Pauline Nimmo on stress

I HAVE been separated from my husband for six months and though things are OK now they were bad at the start. There were so many things to sort out that I’m amazed I coped.

But I did. Strangely, I’m really struggling now and am very stressed and irritable with my children. I feel so bad after I shout just don’t have the energy for them. I don’t understand why I am feeling this way now when things have settled down with my ex.

When people separate they usually go through a grieving process. The death of your relationship has to be mourned. It may have been a sudden death or more like a terminal illness leading to death, depending on the circumstances surrounding the end of your marriage and who ended it.

You were probably so immersed in organising and dealing with things that needed done in the early days and didn’t allow yourself the chance to grieve. You also may have been through a stage of denial, which could account for a lack of stress before now. You can also experience anger, which is completely normal.

There are other stages too but the feelings are essentially the same for anyone experiencing the end of a significant relationship. It may help for your to seek more in-depth information on how to deal with your experiences, but mainly you should look after yourself as a parent and as a person and find a healthy way to address your anger – whether through an activity you enjoy or just having a good scream to let off the pressure.

You do not need to be a perfect parent as there is no such thing. Talk to your children and teach them that anger is an emotion that is natural but can be controlled.

Breaking point

I have a very stressful and involved job and I don’t know if I can take it any more. I’m at breaking point as I’ve been working extra hours and the people I work with are often in crisis. I feel I give everything to the job and there is no energy left for me to have a life, but I love it and don’t want to leave.

I’m not sleeping, which is making work difficult. I used to go walking and swimming to relieve stress but I can’t be bothered now. I don’t even go out with friends at weekends as I want to lie about and sleep but end up worrying about work.

It looks like you are caught in a cycle and nothing is making things better. You must break that cycle. It may be time to speak to your manager about the effect your work is having on you.

After a long day, the last thing you want to do is exercise but you may have to force yourself in order to de-stress. There are herbal remedies available to help you sleep or you can try relaxation music or techniques.

Also, it may help your mood to go out with friends. It sounds like you are moving from stress into depression so if nothing helps then I would suggest you consult your GP.

Twitter: @RelScot