Lifelines: Long distance relationships

Pauline Nimmo, a registered family mediator gives advice on the difficulties involved

HOME AND AWAY

My girlfriend told me last week that she’s moving 200 miles away to study for three years – the career she is pursuing means she has no other choice. We have talked about it and I am beginning to think we are both unsure if the relationship will work or survive the distance. We have been together for about eight months and have a good relationship but don’t live in each other’s pockets. We both have other friends and interests that are separate. We don’t live together. I don’t want to be the one to say we should call it a day and I don’t think she does either. I am 20 and my girlfriend is 19. What should we do? What if there is a future for us and we miss that chance?

You certainly sound as though you have done a bit of thinking about the situation already. I imagine your girlfriend might well be doing the same thing. The next logical step for you is to talk to each other about it.

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I understand you are both young and don’t seem overly tied to each other at the moment – it has only been eight months – but on the other hand, who is to say your relationship won’t flourish and have a future? The best way to determine that is to discuss it and possibly try to sustain the relationship to see if it survives or not.

This may sound harsh but it can be a good indicator. That may help you both determine exactly how you feel and what you want. You will most likely end up facing two possible scenarios: either that three years is worth the wait or it may be too long. Either way, it would be best to discuss together the way forward to start with, then time will most likely tell. Again, you are both young and although you will know your own minds, you have a long and varied life that will be full of opportunities ahead of you as well.

CHANGING ROOMS

My only son has recently moved down south with his new wife. I am happy they have made a life together and are settled and seem happy. The problem my husband and I have is that when they come back for visits, they always stay with her parents. They are quite elderly and, as we have experienced in the past, they can be quite insistent and tend to sulk and take offence if they do not get their own way. My son has said he doesn’t know how to approach the situation without someone getting upset or offended and I can tell it’s really getting to him. My husband feels I should not say anything to our son as this may cause him to feel guilty and cause an argument between him and our daughter–in–law. I would love it if they stayed with us. Even though we have a smaller house, we still have plenty room.

This is a new situation for all involved so it may be best to talk to your son before resentments set in and visiting becomes a stress. He may feel guilty, but if you explain to him that you would love to have them stay, they might be willing to split their time between both sets of parents, or have turn about.

Advise him to be quite matter of fact when explaining to his in-laws that he wants to spend time with both families. A few occasions of this happening will hopefully become the norm and any sulk will be a waste of time.

Of course, this kind of situation will be something your son and daughter-in–law will have to learn to deal with and discuss as part of their marriage in future. I do appreciate he is your only son and you will be missing him. But it would be kind to set a good example with compromise and understanding, bearing in mind your daughter–in–law’s parents are elderly.

The other alternative might mean the visitors end up staying in a hotel to avoid any conflict, which might not be the best way to keep family relations strong for the future.

• Pauline Nimmo is a registered family mediator and contact centre manager at Relationships Scotland Family Mediation, South Lanarkshire

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