Anne Chilton on trouble at work

I think I may have to leave my job as I can’t stand the atmosphere any more. I used to get on well with the other woman in the office.

Then, about four months ago, another woman came to work alongside us. I tried to be friendly but she didn’t really like me and got on better with my pal.

Since then, my pal and this other woman have started going out to lunch together. They never invite me and now neither of them talks to me. When I leave the room all I can hear is this other woman sniggering. I feel so upset and don’t know what to do; I just want things back as they were.

Anne Chilton writes:

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This sounds like a very painful situation to be in. It feels as though you had the ideal working environment and now it has all changed due to someone else.

Work can be such a big part of our lives that when it goes wrong it can seem as if everything is disintegrating around us. When things are good but then change, we naturally long for what was there before.

I wonder if your pal knows how upset you are? When the other woman isn’t around, do you still get on as well as before? If so, have you thought of asking her to go for lunch so you two can talk about what’s going on? If she is a good friend she might hear how what they are doing is affecting you; if not, then do you want her as a friend? Moving on to find another job is always an option but be sure that things between you and your friend can’t be fixed first.

FAMILY TIES

This is going to seem a really trivial problem but it’s driving me crazy. I have worked in the family business for 16 years, since I left school. It was always expected that I would join the company and take over when my parents retired, which they don’t intend to do for at least ten years. I have worked hard and feel I could run the company when the time comes.

My sister went to university, then on a gap year and had a couple of other jobs before deciding she wanted to join us. I don’t resent that she did all those things. But here’s the problem: now I want to go to university. A couple of years ago I got involved in an archaeological project and loved it. I don’t want to leave the business but I do want to indulge my passion. I mentioned it to my parents and they said it was a stupid idea – I should forget it as I hadn’t taken the chance before.

Anne Chilton writes:

You say you don’t resent your sister, yet I wonder if you resent that she had the opportunities and took them and now you feel miffed that your dreams are not being given the same value. We can have such expectations about when we ‘should’ do things. We expect our lives will progress in straight lines and we will do things at the ‘right’ time. I wonder, though, who decides what the right time for things is?

What seems to be missing is not that the spark of passion ignited at the wrong time, but the celebration that the spark ignited at all. It took a long time to find what really excites you and you want your parents to be as excited as you are.

How did you present this idea to them? Did you use all your business knowledge to make a good case for it? Think about it from their point of view: maybe they are concerned that you are intending to leave altogether. Don’t give up, work out how you can do both and present this to them as a solution, not a request.

Anne Chilton is joint head of professional practice at Relationships Scotland

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