It’s time to finally address my own suicidal thoughts and feelings.
Last weekend I went away on a spiritual weekend and did a lot of work on myself and realised that for years now I’ve been living a lie and not being completely honest with myself or anyone else.
I’ve been in a lot of pain.
Deep internal pain.
There’s not a day goes by where suicide doesn’t cross my mind or I don’t think about ending my life.
I’ve been incredibly lonely and isolated.
I’ve been wearing a mask of happiness and success and making out to the world that I’m incredibly happy and that I’ve made this amazing recovery.
I’ve been painting myself as some sort of hero who has made this amazing recovery and has the secret to helping everyone else.
But I’ve not even done it for myself yet.
I put a massive barrier up and blocked everyone out of my life. I’ve been a closed book for years now and became a master of hiding my true feelings and now just do it subconsciously without even realising.
I protect how I truly feel and have been closed for years now without really addressing my deep-rooted problems.
I’ve hated myself for years and I’ve closed myself off from myself and the world because I’ve been scared to look inside because of what I might find.
I’ve hurt a lot of people over the years and pushed a lot of people away. People who have done everything to help me and care for me.
But I’ve hurt them all and pushed them all away because I’m scared that anyone gets too close to me and sees the real me.
I’m not a bad person.
I know that.
But I’ve done things to hurt people and push them away because the thought of people getting to close and seeing the real me is too much.
I’ve been scared that anyone finally removes the mask and sees who I really am and the problems I really face.
Everything I’ve done in the last few years has been a massive desire for love and attention from others.
I can see that now.
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Because I couldn’t love myself I’ve tried to force others to love me.
I’ve thought that if I could get enough love and attention from others then I wouldn’t need to love myself.
But I’ve been completely wrong and it’s been making me worse and worse.
I realised recently I was heading for disaster if I kept on going the way I was going.
I’ve learned that constantly trying to help others and do things for other people has just been a way of deflecting from own problems and keeping them locked away.
If I could just focus on other people then I wouldn’t have to focus on my self and look inside of me.
I’ve been scared to look inside and address my real problems.
I’ve been pinning so much on this world cycle.
I thought that as soon as I started that I would be truly happy because I’d be cycling around the world helping other people and because I was away from home I would have left all my problems behind.
I thought If I kept just focusing on others then I would be happy and be away from all my problems.
I’ve been heading for disaster.
But I’ve realised that now.
I’m ready to finally address the problems inside of me.
The biggest problem that I find I have is that I’m so lonely and isolated.
But I’ve realised it’s me that’s isolating myself.
I’ve got so many good people around me. Who love me dearly and care for me so much.
Yet I don’t speak to anyone or tell them how I feel.
I just keep myself to myself and do everything on my own.
Everything that I want is right in front of me. But I’ve been shutting myself off from it for years now because I’ve been so closed and scared that anyone could get inside and see the real me.
I sat down with my family and told them I was ready to change. I wanted to open up and start building those relationships again.
I’m ready to open up and let people back into my life and see the real me.
I’m now going to be open and work incredibly hard to sort my own problems and finally find true happiness.
So now I need to concentrate on myself. I need to be really honest and open with the world and myself.
I’m now going to open myself up and start working on me.
That’s what the Tartan Explorer will be all about.
I’m going to really open myself up and find happiness within myself
Rather than just helping others and neglecting my own problems. I’m going to work on my own problems and then share this journey with the world.
That way I can really help people.
Through being more honest and authentic and sharing a real journey rather than the fake one that I’ve been doing so far and making out to the world that I’m incredibly happy.
I’m working with an incredible couple of people who have helped me so much in just one weekend. I’m now going to continue this work and make a real recovery.
I’m then going to learn everything about this teaching and spiritual journey and use this knowledge to truly help people all over the world.
But I can only do this once I’ve helped myself first and made a true recovery.
I’ve been putting my self under far too much pressure recently.
I’ve been focusing too much on helping others and hiding from my own problems.
I was under so much pressure because of the thought of letting anyone down or not being able to achieve my global challenge.
Now the pressure is off.
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This whole journey is now just about my recovery and finding true happiness so I don’t have the external pressure anymore.
I’m still going to cycle around the world.
I’m still going to raise awareness of mental health.
I’m still going to help and inspire people.
But I’m going to do it to really address my problems.
I’m going to use this experience to find myself and find true inner happiness.
As you can imagine this has been very hard for me to admit and then share with the world.
I’m finally opening myself up to the world and those around me.
I’m asking for help.
I’ve had an incredibly amount of help and support so far from everyone who is following me.
I ask that you continue to support me on this new spiritual journey.
If you can continue to support me in my recovery, I will finally help myself and find true happiness.
Once I do this I can then help other people.
Because it’s no use me helping others if I can’t even do it for myself.
In order to truly help others I need to first make a recovery and find my own true happiness.
This way the help I can provide to others has substance and is completely authentic and real.
So please continue to support me and together we can make a real difference in the world.