So as I admitted in my column last week, I’ve been painting this image of myself this year as someone who is incredibly happy and has made this amazing mental health recovery and who is using that experience to help others.
However, the reality is that I’ve really still been as low as I’ve always been and there’s not a day that goes by where suicide doesn’t enter my mind.
For years now I’ve been wearing a mask of happiness and success because that’s the image I’ve wanted to portray to the world. I’ve not wanted to address any of my underlying problems because I’m scared what I might see when I really look inside.
I would rather just keep my barrier up and tell the world I’m great because it’s what I’ve trained myself to do for years and allows me to continue hiding from the real problems that cause my true internal pain.
That’s all over now though.
The barrier has now been removed and I’ve finally looked inside myself and it’s already been an incredible journey so far.
I’m now working with an amazing team of mental health specialists who have broken down my barrier and are starting to uncover the real issues that cause me to think and feel the way I do.
It’s not been easy and it’s incredibly painful and difficult to make some of these realisations about myself.
But I know that it is the right thing to do and I need to finally address these harsh truths or else I will continue to struggle through life.
The hardest part about this new spiritual journey inside myself has been accepting that all of my mental health problems are a result of my own behaviour.
As human beings we’re always looking for someone else to blame for our problems. It’s never our fault and there’s always some other person or event in our life that has caused us to feel the way we do.
We don’t want to accept responsibility for how we feel because that would be too hard. It’s far easier to blame someone else.
And that’s what I’ve done all my life.
I’ve always had reasons or excuses for the feeling the way I do. If this never happened or if that never happened then I would be fine and I wouldn’t suffer from depression or feel suicidal.
But in reality it is impossible for any external situation, event or person to make us feel a certain way. It’s our own internal reactions or initial behaviours in these situations that cause us to feel the way we do.
These events or situations only occur because of our behaviour or actions in the first place.
That’s very hard for people to understand and accept, I know it was for me.
But once you can finally accept these harsh truths then you are really ready to face your own mental issues and start to heal your inner pain.
Starting to take 100 per cent responsibility and accountability for my life has been the greatest thing I’ve ever done.
I’ve now fully accepted that all of my problems were caused by my actions and behaviours over the years and how I’ve chosen to live my life and treat other people.
It’s very hard to admit this. But the most important thing to remember is that you can’t change your behaviour or your actions unless you first acknowledge that there is a problem.
Now that I’ve addressed these problems head on, I can change them.
Through changing my behaviour and actions I’m now going to finally find my inner happiness and make peace with myself.
Rather than constantly feeling suicidal I’ll feel happy and content in my own body. Because I’ll be completely comfortable with my own actions and behaviour and they will be in line with my true self.
Going on a spiritual journey within yourself is definitely one of the hardest things you can ever do. However it’s also the most rewarding thing you can do with your life, and if you want to change the way you think and feel it is essential.
I for one am incredibly excited that I’m now going to make a real recovery because I’ve been brave enough to face these truths head on and dedicate my life to changing my behaviour.
I’m looking forward to sharing this new spiritual journey with the world and helping others to also choose this path. Anyone can do it, but you need to be willing to accept the truth and dedicate your life to changing your behaviour.