Travel: Goa

WE'D only just met, yet here we were discussing bodily functions, stool samples and enemas, as easily as if we were talking about the weather.

Half an hour into a week's detox at the Beach House, a new boutique wellness retreat on the secluded and beautiful sands of Sernabatim Beach in southern Goa, the full realisation of what I was in for was beginning to sink in as the Total Body Balancing programme was explained to our group of seven.

When a trip to Goa to stay at the Beach House detox retreat was initially suggested, the only words I'd heard were "Goa" and "weight loss", rather like a dog who only hears "walk" and "biscuit". The prospect of shedding half a stone was good enough for me so I hadn't looked into the further reaches of the website. Had I done so, I would have known I was in the hands of a team of nutritionists, medical professionals, holistic and alternative therapists, ayurvedic doctors, yoga instructors, neuro linguistic programming specialists, life coaches, housekeepers and masseuses. As well as providing physical and emotional support, my hosts were keen proponents of twice-daily coffee enemas and a cocktail of colon-cleansing supplements and vitamins designed to meet our nutritional needs, all washed down with fruit and vegetable juices and broths.

Effectively our digestive systems were shut down so we could clear out our colons and start again. I had thought there might be the odd salad or fruit smoothie but no food for five days? I'd never last. First, there was the enema to get to grips with.

Presented with my first pot of lukewarm coffee, I was finally able to place the faint whiff that hung around my bathroom – coffee – and now I knew why. And that mat in the corner of the bathroom; the one I'd assumed was for yoga? It was for lying on in the foetal position while I waited for the enema to take effect, madly circling my feet in a bid to 'hold' the liquid in to get a better result. "Yoga mats are usually pink or purple," pointed out one of the group who had clearly done more research than me.

Another steep learning curve involved yoga. Curves such as the impossible cobra and down facing dog, that left me wishing I could swap places with the happy little beach hounds that spent their days, tails wagging, roaming the golden sands on our doorstep. However, with an hour a day spent under the expert instruction of retreat manager Kate Tyler, our stiff, stressed, toxic bodies slowly uncurled under the warm Goan sun and we began to look forward to our morning stretch.

Performed on the terrace, with a view of the Arabian Sea washing up on to Sernabatim Beach, you couldn't fail to appreciate the serene surroundings, and as we relaxed on the mats at the end of the session, you didn't need to visualise the hypnotic swish of the waves because the real thing was right there.

There was also the salutary reminder of how good we had it provided by the local fishermen heaving their carved wooden boats back up the beach on rollers, having already done a day's work as we rolled around on mats in order to rid our bodies of the effects of overconsumption.

Away from the busy all-night party haunts of north Goa, Sernabatim Beach makes an ideal location for this five-star retreat. Local families paraded along the beach, the women's magenta, mustard and lime saris trailing in the waves, some with baskets on their heads, others enjoying a holiday, Goa's beaches being as popular with Indians as they are with foreign tourists. Around the Beach House kingfishers flitted in the trees, lizards flicked around the paths and there's a resident meerkat to keep any snakes in line. Further afield we saw monkeys, elephants and banana spiders as big as your kneecaps.

The Beach House is the brainchild of Ajit Patel, who was inspired to set up a retreat after his own health problems forced him to reassess his lifestyle. With a background in pharmaceuticals, and suffering from stress-induced ulcerative colitis, he concluded: "If you want to be healthy, you have to keep the colon clean. If you rest the digestive system and mind, the body will heal itself."

Moving from the self-help market to personal development, he is planning more retreats and is currently working on another in Goa. "My dream is to integrate personal development and wellness and move the programme from town to town in the UK, to make it more affordable," he says.

In the meantime, the likes of Sadie Frost and Donna Air are booked in for post-Christmas detoxes at the Beach House, where, as well as total body balancing, the programmes on offer include a yoga retreat, weight management, and rejuvenate and revitalise programmes. The idea is to get the three body systems – physical, physiological and psychological – into a state of equilibrium to prevent illness and regain good health.

After initial medical assessments where blood pressure, measurements, stool and urine samples were taken, body age and bone density measured, our days quickly settled into a routine of yoga, talks and therapies. From reflexology to lymphatic drainage massages, hypnotherapy to life coaching, they were a treat and the juices and broths kept hunger at bay while the vitamins and supplements we took kept our bodies nourished. I would never have believed I could go for five days without a square meal but it wasn't a problem. Admittedly, we were rolling around in five-star luxury, with the most strenuous activity being a dip in the sea on our doorstep, but even the enemas became a breeze. By day four, 'parasite day', we were old hands and how envious we all were of the enemee who went straight to the top of the class with the production of 'a tiny jelly fish'. Did it have a face? Did it have eyes? Why couldn't we have one too?

Thoroughly institutionalised, had we wished to escape we couldn't. On our liquid diet, even traipsing to the treatment huts for yet another massage seemed like hard work. The nearest town was only a 15-minute walk down the beach but it might as well have been Mars. Too weak to resist, we embraced our routine and hung around the Beach House in robes and flipflops chatting about food. Initially chips, chocolate and Haribos were the main focus, but as the days wore on, there was mention of fresh fruit and veg and items you might find at your local health food shop – chickpeas, flaxseed. And by the time we had finished the detox and visited a spice farm on our last day, we even refused the free lunch and meekly munched the sprouting lentils and salad we'd brought.

And the results of the programme? I did lose 9lb, but more importantly regained a sense of perspective about work-life balance and how the physical, physiological and psychological are all inextricably linked. Sitting staring at a beautiful beach for days on end had forced me to reassess my life and how I lived it. By the end of my stay I knew exactly what I wanted: next time round I'm coming back as a Goan beach dog.

Goa

Fact file

Janet Christie went on the Total Body Rebalance Retreat, which starts at 1,050 for seven days. The Beach House, Goa, Sernabatim Beach Road, Sernabatim, Colva Salcette, Goa 403 708 (00 91 832 6697 733, www.thebeachhousegoa.com).

Thomson Airways flies direct to Goa from East Midlands, London Gatwick and Manchester, with a return flight from London Gatwick starting from just 599 return including taxes, fuel supplements and charges. For further information, contact 0871 231 4787, www.thomson.co.uk/flights. From Edinburgh, flights to Gatwick with BA start at around 76 return.

• This article first appeared in Scotland on Sunday on 3 January, 2010