Theatre: Waiting in the wings

JANUARY

A DEEP silence falls over Scottish theatre, broken only by the wolf-like howling of a few theatre professionals finally driven mad by political delay and prevarication. Almost a decade on from its inception, the new arts agency, Creative Scotland, still lacks a chief executive – worse, it seems determined to re-run the failed 1980s debate about whether the arts really need subsidy until some major art-form once again reaches the point of collapse. "It's Groundhog Day," sob the thesps, exhausted by 20 years of policy reviews. But since the only culture minister since devolution to understand the full truth of this observation has just been moved from the job after less than a year, no-one is listening.

FEBRUARY

ON 1 February, the theatre world suddenly bursts into frenzied activity; although with all political parties now threatening massive spending cuts, a raging miniaturism is the order of the day. The Arches Theatre Company stages a show in a garden shed near Kelvinbridge, and co-hosts an NTS pub night in a cubby-hole at Govan Cross Shopping Centre. The Citizens Theatre announces that Backbeat, its world premiere musical about the Beatles' early Hamburg days, will now be staged in the gents' toilet. The National Theatre of Scotland, on the other hand, flaunts its big direct funding from the Scottish Government by staging The Wall of Death – A Way of Life, a huge show-cum-installation which opens at the SECC in Glasgow, to shrieks of terror and amazement. A man in a tweed jacket petitions NTS director Vicky Featherstone, pictured left, for more conventional shows staged in theatres; she replies that the single art-form is dead, and threatens to re-name the company NOPE – the National Organisation for Performative Experience.

MARCH

THE Royal Lyceum presents the world premiere of Jo Clifford's new version of Everyman, renamed Everyone. Outraged by Clifford's last show, Jesus, Queen Of Heaven, Christian groups mount a demonstration in Grindlay Street. Strangely, the street is bathed in light, and a voice from above announces that there shall be one mainstage show which will triumph this year, and this will be it.

APRIL

AS THE month begins, theatre legend Peter Brook, pictured right, is in residence at the Tramway, on a visit that marks 22 years since his discovery of the venue. After being briefed on the state of Scottish theatre, he expresses mild disappointment that his latest show 11 And 12, about a religious war over how often a prayer should be repeated, is not being staged in the toolshed of the Tramway's Secret Garden, in front of an audience of 11 people. Or 12.

MAY

AS BUDGET-cutting Tories triumph in the UK general election, the Citizens Theatre announces that its production of One Million Tiny Plays About Britain will now be performed in the foyer coat-hanging space; in Edinburgh, the Imaginate International Children's Theatre Festival moves into the Traverse props cupboard, to general acclaim.

JUNE

AFTER six months of trying to learn the job in cupboard-sized spaces across Scotland, Fiona Hyslop, pictured right, resigns as Holyrood's culture minister, pleading acute claustrophobia. She is replaced by Susan Boyle, who – as Scot Of The Year 2009 – has been fast-tracked into a safe seat in the Scottish Parliament.

JULY

INSPIRED by her experience at the latest NTS pub night in Govan, SuBo announces a new strand of funding for karaoke-based artworks of all kinds – then promptly resigns, suffering from vocal strain. She is replaced by a computer-generated image of the actor Alan Cumming, which the First Minister vows will remains in post until the next Scottish election.

AUGUST

DESPITE the usual predictions of catastrophe, the Edinburgh International Festival – fuelled by the plummeting pound – is once again a roaring success. The NTS responds to director Jonathan Mills's New World theme by flooding Meadowbank Stadium, and re-staging the entire story of the Darien Scheme of 1698-1700, complete with sailing ships and mass deaths from fever. "This is a bit of a downer," says the man in the tweed jacket. "But at least the NTS is engaging with Scottish history."

SEPTEMBER

AFTER just two months in office, the CGI version of Alan Cumming is promoted to a more prestigious post as cabinet secretary for drains. He is replaced as culture minister by a piece of multiple-choice computer software, which has previously been acting as interim director of Creative Scotland.

OCTOBER

AT A mass meeting in one of the glittering new foyers of the Usher Hall, the Scottish arts community decides to apply en masse for national company status and direct funding by the Scottish Government, thereby freeing themselves at last from the need to wait for Creative Scotland. The whole arts world goes to the pub to celebrate, and does not re-emerge until the panto season.

NOVEMBER

CANCELLED, see above.

DECEMBER

THE month is dominated by ferocious Glasgow panto wars between the traditional large-scale show at the King's Theatre, and the giant new Qdos panto at the SECC, starring John Barrowman of Torchwood fame, pictured right. During a debate in the Scottish Parliament, First Minister Alex Salmond claims that illegal weapons have been used, in the form of naughty satirical Dames from small-scale pantos elsewhere in Glasgow, who crack "devastating" jokes about both shows. When it emerges that these claims are based on a dodgy dossier of old panto reviews, the First Minister faces a leadership challenge from the CGI Alan Cumming. But after watching a Christmas production of Pinocchio in Kirkcaldy, the Scottish theatre community decides to back Salmond – on the grounds he is a real boy rather than a CGI puppet, and one day, he may find not only that he has a heart, but that some theatre show somewhere has just reached out, and touched it.