‘Targeting your audience is vital. They need to be standing still’ - Dan Gordon is a 50-year-old Fringe virgin. Here’s what he discovered

I’ve learned that five-star reviews don’t make an audience. That once the wee green man starts flashing on the pedestrian crossing you become a legitimate target for anybody with an engine. That there can be torrential rainfall one minute and third degree sunburn the next.

That said, it’s an amazing city and extraordinarily vibrant. People everywhere – going to Military Tattoos, getting military tattoos; seeing the sights, being the sights and – like me – performing shows.

I’ve never flyered before, it’s very different being on the other side of the arrangement. Back in Belfast when someone offers you a Gospel tract you just pretend to look in the window of Topshop – but the principle is roughly similar. Targeting your audience is vital. They need to be standing still – if you move in too early, you scare them off.

I avoid people who have guide books in Gebrovian and don’t approach anyone pushing a pram – baby-sitters are expensive.

Under-twenties I avoid as they all want Michael McIntyre, they haven’t the remotest interest in anything they can’t heckle and they need constant access to alcohol.

I aim for stunned but educated couples looking up at the big flashing sign outside the half-price ticket hut like weary travellers trying to decipher Heathrow departures. Some leaf through Fringe programmes, but that’s more confusing than O-Level maths and overwhelms with choice – so decisions are impossible. I’m in like Flynn. I start with “are you looking for the Chippendales?” They say no, I explain that I’m not and become their new best mate. By the way, we’re in Hill Street at 6:30pm – interested?

• Dan Gordon’s show The Boat Factory is at Hill Street Theatre, until 26 August, 6:30pm.